A Grown Man Attempts to Review NES Games, part 1

From the Pomp Culture Archive.

The Exquisite Horror of 8 Eyes

Okay, the premise is simple: I have several hundred NES roms that I have downloaded; I have never/rarely played most of them. I am currently 32 years old and need to face my nostalgia for the old NES days fairly (rejected title: “Overrated: Retro Gaming”). To wit, what sort of first impression do I get from any given NES game from “Back in the Day^TM?”

I will be rating this on a Points Scale of my own devising that makes absolutely no sense. Also, I will be doing no research on the game – I don’t want my viewpoint colored by learning anything other than what I see on the screen.

The game in question is 8 Eyes. I’ve never played this game, nor even heard of it before last week. It comes from the Golden Age of the NES, circa 1988-89.

Graphics: The graphics on this game were about par for the course for that era. The first level looks a little busy, but maybe the designer was going for an “Arabesque” feel. Points detracted for kinda ripping off the look of Castlevania, but added back in because, dude, if you’re gonna rip off a game, there are worse ones. Although, I’m not 100% sure if your character is supposed to be an albino, or coloring was deemed “too expensive.” (3/5)


Sound: The music, or what I heard before turning the sound down in annoyance, sounded like a shitty demo harpsichord played by your best friend’s kid sister who later dreamed of joining Dead Can Dance. Given the unabashed radness of sound design on games like the Mega Man, Castlevania, and Ninja Gaiden series, that is unacceptable. (1/5)


Gameplay: This game plays like a not very fun Castlevania ripoff, which I can only assume it is. And that means you have the same lame gravity and jumping physics that marred that series. Otherwise, you run around and stab culturally sensitive A-rabs and Skeletons and birds (and apparently Jawas). Add to it the total tease of board that looks like you’re given the choice to select worlds a la Megaman, while not really being given a choice, and this game can go to hell. Oh, and like all games made between 1987-1991, it’s ridiculously, unrewardingly hard and there is no password function (2/5)


Level of Adult Confusion: Very, very high. Maybe the instruction book would explain the premise of this game (I somehow doubt it), but apparently you are an Albino Knife Guy with a Pet Bird that May or May not be Helping You When You Fight. You are clearly traveling the world to accomplish something. Or find someone. Or just because you like stabbing things. The first level consists largely of stabbing things and opening doors. Which you open by stabbing the switches which are…um…well


More than a little phallic. Thank God once you stab them they look…


Oh.

Nevermind.

Oh, and speaking of God, this game is apparently religious or something. When you stab the not at all racist Turbaned Arab Guys, they turn into crosses, as do all the other villains – except for the Jawas. Apparently, they drop throwing weapons. These include (as far as I’ve gotten) ANOTHER KNIFE (so you can stab people from far away) and a ball that rolls around and seemed to do little or no actual damage.

Wait a minute…albino hero…crosses…is this game made by Opus Dei? Do I have to fight a giant Tom Hanks head that shoots Audrey Tatous at me? If not, why not?

Maybe this would be cleared up if I could make it to the end of a level, but I somehow doubt it. (5/5)

Level of Childhood Rage If I Had Spent My Own Money On This: Pretty damn high, I’m guessing. Games weren’t cheap back then, and I didn’t have a job. If I had spent between 25 and 40 bucks on this swillpile because the store was out of Mega Man 2 (and not buying a new game was not an option), I would have been beside myself with fury. Oh, I would have played it for hours, because it’s not like I had a life, but I wouldn’t have been pleased. Oh, no. (5/5)

Time Spent Playing as an Adult Before Quitting In Annoyance: Not including making screen caps? 3 minutes, tops. To put this into perspective, I spent at least 2 minutes just fantasizing about miniature Amelie's raining on me when composing this.

Composite Grade: D-

Honestly, even Castlevania 2 was more fun than this pile o’crap. Of course, if you like crypto-religious games about albinos that like to stab doorwangs, by all means download this. If you ever see me replaying it, then I am punishing myself for my sins and couldn’t find my flail.

Iron Maiden vs. Barack Obama

From the Pomp Culture Archives

The world is an immense place, so immense that it requires a speed of 11.2 km/s just to escape its gravity. But Iron Maiden is an immense band, so immense that the earth itself cannot escape the pull of the Irons. Is there a force on earth powerful enough to contain these Monsters of Metal?

Only science can tell.

The Pomp Culture Foundation for the Study of Speaker-Melting Rock presents its current findings in today’s installment of Iron Maiden vs. The World.

Well, this has been a pretty good week for my former Senator. Apparently he handily won a popularity contest against the Emperor of the Skeksis last November, and is now The Illuminati Shadow Government’s First African-American Figurehead. That means two things:

• 1) Woodrow Wilson is rolling in his racist grave.

• 2) Obama is probably thinking he’s pretty damn awesome right now.

While I approve of item one (and if Maiden annihilated the UN last week, imagine how they would have torn through Wilson’s paltry League of Nations), item two is unsetting. I’m not too fond of hubris from my leaders. And while Obama is refreshingly humble compared to His Arrogance, George II, I’m think there’s at least a peg or two he could be taken down. And I know just the quintet to do so.

The Methodology:

A full summary of the methodology (including descriptions of the Five Permanent Categories can be found here. If you need to go there, I’ll wait.

So…for the rest of you…how do you like this feature so far? Do you think I’ll really be able to keep this conceit alive for more than 2-3 weeks? Do you…oh wait, they’re back…

Caught up? Good.

This week’s additional categories will be covered in the actual battle, because you know you’re already sick of me for stalling this long.

The Battle:

Intellectual and/or Literary Merit
Well, the Irons might actually start this at a disadvantage, as the Harvard-educated Obama has actually written a pretty well-respected book. And he wrote it long before his emergence on the national scene. The following obvious communists have some pretty nice things to say about it, as well (like all sophisticated reviewers, I gleaned the following quotes from Amazon.com, a bastion of scholarship in these dark times:

• “Provocative . . . Persuasively describes the phenomenon of belonging to two different worlds, and thus belonging to neither.” —New York Times Book Review


• “Fluidly, calmly, insightfully, Obama guides us straight to the intersection of the most serious questions of identity, class, and race.” —Washington Post Book World


• “Beautifully crafted . . . moving and candid . . . this book belongs on the shelf beside works like James McBride’s The Color of Water and Gregory Howard Williams’s Life on the Color Line as a tale of living astride America’s racial categories.” —Scott Turow


• “Obama’s writing is incisive yet forgiving. This is a book worth savoring.” —Alex Kotlowitz, author of There Are No Children Here

And while the Irons are no slouches in the book learning department, Amazon has this to say about their classic third album, Number of the Beast:

Throughout the 1980s, a damning generalization held true: British metal was essentially working man's food, loosely descended from biker-meets and Northern pubs; whereas, in the States, it was an outgrowth of stadium rock, which traditionally subordinated substance to spectacle. Plug-ugly and cartoonishly morbid, Iron Maiden were typical of the Brit effort, since they effectively emphasized a driving, no-nonsense approach to the music.

Uh oh. “Plug-ugly and cartoonishly morbid” was the exact term Dorothy Parker used to savage the waitstaff at the Algonquin. Not looking good.

But wait…Bruce Dickinson has penned a screenplay (Chemical Wedding, later renamed Crowley)! Hmm…can’t find any reviews. While it’s probably safe to assume it’s hella awesome, it would be unfair to automatically credit Maiden for this achievement. I guess the challenger gets a point.

Advantage: Obama

---

Influence:

Obama should have this as a lock right? Wrong.

Sure, Obama is the ostensible Leader of the Free World, but what has he really done so far other than succeed in the (admittedly important) category of Not Being George Bush? Sure, he’s made a National Call for Service, but so far that hasn’t help yours truly much at all. I still have the same job, the same bills, the same health insurance, and the same haircut as I did under Bush. Okay, I just read he’s closing Gitmo, but I’ll believe that one when my Uncle Mahmoud comes home.

What has Maiden done? Well, I don’t know…they only redefined Metal as we know it. They only maintained an unheard of level of self-imposed quality control in their first decade - a decade where even Whitesnake could rule the airwaves. They only somehow managed to incorporate synths into Somewhere in Time and still ROCK BALLS. They only influenced about a thousand awful bands that no one wants to hear. They may or may not be responsible for the single greatest screenplay about Aleister Crowley in history. Oh, and while that one speech on race is pretty damn amazing, it’s never going to top the bone-chilling radness of Live After Death.

Sorry, Barry O. Call me when you’ve fixed America or something.

Advantage: Maiden

---

Image/Aesthetic:

The ubiquitous Eddie is one of the most popular images in the annals of 1980s metal. His grimly comic visage, created mainly in ballpoint pen, has graced thousands of Trapper Keepers, Social Sudies textbooks, and the occasional acid-washed denim pant-leg over the past 30 years (although there has been an admitted decline since roughly 1991). That’s a heck of a lot of blue ink.

However, Obama’s Shepard Fairy-designed campaign poster (and assorted parodies thereof) currently graces more Facebook profile pictures than there are actual people on earth. Even subtracting points for the exceptional lameness of the “O with a cornfield inside it” bumper stickers, Obama’s current influence on national aesthetics is indisputable.

Advantage: Obama

---

Pomposity:

Despite what the average Right Wing Rank’n’Filer might tell you, Obama does not actually seem to be too self important, much less have a Messiah complex. Most of his speeches are a heck of a lot more of the “we’ve got to make sacrifices and pull ourselves up” variety that Conservatives pretend they love to hear. And though he went to an Ivy League school so pompous that its graduates often hire servants for their servants to avoid accidentally rubbing elbows with the help’s help, it is only his ability to speak in complete sentences that separates him from most Americans.

Maiden, too, have their moments of humility, such as the following gracious statement from their official website:

"Iron Maiden's secret weapon is our fans. Anyone who's been to one of our shows knows that they're the most passionate and devoted fans on the planet, making the incredible atmosphere at our shows. To be nominated for Best Live Act at the Brits is as much a recognition of them as it is of us. So for all of them, Up The Irons!"

So very humble. And yet…maybe they still have a pretty high opinion of their powers:

“We have no doubt whatsoever that IRON MAIDEN is special to Latin America and Latin America is special to IRON MAIDEN. Allow us to explain...

What was achieved by both the band and their fans earlier this year in Latin America was unheard of ... over 250,000 tickets were sold in less than a week, thus setting box office records across the region. Within an 18 day time period the band covered 7 countries, played 9 concerts and flew over 15,000 miles (25,500 kilometers). No artist, no band had ever done this before. Period. With their incredible, high energy shows selling out well in advance and the insane reaction from their fans to this very classic and timeless show...Somewhere Back in Time, the question at the end of the tour was, "Should we do it again?".

And the answer from all sides was... DAMN RIGHT WE DO IT AGAIN! ... and along with returning to some of our favourite places let's play some other cities and countries too.

So in 2009 IRON MAIDEN and their fans will once again make rock and roll history in Latin America by breaking some rules, setting new records, and going to places that are normally off the usual touring route. MAIDEN will embrace Latin America like none have before. This tour will cross ancient ruins, the Amazon Jungle, The Andes and the Middle of the World! MAIDEN will revisit cities played in 2008 in even bigger venues and a rev-ed up show full of surprises. And together with their fans they will celebrate the end of their incredible SOMEWHERE BACK IN TIME TOUR.”

That’s pretty darn pompous if I do say so myself. And that’s not including any concept albums, Coleridge poems, or mentions of Bruce Dickinson’s Operatic Training.

Advantage: Maiden

---

Rocking Your Face Off:

Perhaps you remember this list of Obama’s favorite songs that was circulating during the campaign:

1. ‘Ready or Not’ - Fugees
2. ‘What’s Going On’ - Marvin Gaye
3. ‘I’m On Fire’ - Bruce Springsteen
4. ‘Gimme Shelter’ - Rolling Stones
5. ‘Sinnerman’ - Nina Simone
6. ‘Touch the Sky’ - Kanye West
7. 'You’d Be So Easy to Love’ - Frank Sinatra
8. ‘Think’ - Aretha Franklin
9. ‘City of Blinding Lights’ - U2
10. ‘Yes We Can’ - Will.i.am

While there are a few gems on there (“What’s Going On” is an immense song, and “Gimme Shelter” rocks with sufficient fury), I believe Iron Maiden can rebut this with one word:

"Wrathchild."

Advantage: Maiden

---

Well, B. Hussein is finding himself in a bit of a pickle, as Maiden currently leads 3 to 2. Hopefully the following two special categories will come up in his favor or the Political Honeymoon is over…
Leadership:

Ok, this is a tough one to call. I mean, yes, Maiden has the advantage of not one, but TWO legendary frontmen. But Maiden has long led by example. Sure, they are the band of choice for the cognoscenti of Headbanging, but they aren’t out there offering solutions to the current Metal Crisis (I refer, of course, to the severe lack of headbangers in elected office).

Meanwhile, Obama has taken the reins of the Washington Generals of Politics, the Democratic Party, and somehow managed to beat the showboating Orange County Globetrotters of the Republican Party. That is, in and of itself, an achievement. This round goes to Dirty Chicago Politics.

Advantage: Obama

---

This brings us to the tiebreaker...

Experience:

Sorry, Barack. Had to pull out the big guns here. Community organizer? Everyone knows helping people is lame. Try spending three decades as the most massive metal band in the world. 30 years of pure integrity, passion, determination, and sweat. Oh yeah. Tons of sweat.Advantage: Maiden

Well, Barack Obama seems to be a pretty competent guy, and I hope he does well by us. But lets face it, the democratic process is flawed because Iron Maiden is President-for-Life of the United States of Rocking Your Lame Ass.

Iron Maiden: 2, World: 0.

Up next: Iron Maiden vs. A Mother’s Selfless love!

---

Know anyone or anything you think can beat Iron Maiden in a fair fight? Well, let me know, and I’ll write a long, rambling, poorly reasoned post about why you’re wrong, fool.

Iron Maiden vs. The World

Another from the Pomp Culture Archives.

The world is an immense place, so immense that it requires a speed of 11.2 km/s just to escape its gravity. But Iron Maiden is an immense band, so immense that the earth itself cannot escape the pull of the Irons. Is there a force on earth powerful enough to contain these Monsters of Metal?

Only science can tell.

The Pomp Culture Foundation for the Study of Speaker-Melting Rock presents its current findings in today’s installment of Iron Maiden vs. The World:

Iron Maiden vs. the United Nations

Who better to represent The World in this first showdown than the largest international organization of independent nation-states, the UN? Currently consisting of 192 member states, and spanning six continents (the Reptiloid Nazis living under the surface of Antarctica do not recognize the legitimacy of the UN as a governing body, and have rejected all peace overtures), the UN has been a fixture in world diplomacy since 1945. It consists of numerous administrative bodies that address issues as varied as world peace and security, children’s health, and economic development.

But, in a fair fight, could the UN top the mightiest band in the New Wave of British Heavy Metal? And how can such a fight be considered “fair?”

The Methodology:

Given that this is the first of at least two installments of this feature, here’s a one time explanation of the means used to determine a victor. So pay attention!

The PCFFSSMR has determined after years of study that, like all things scientific, the best way to compare seemingly unrelated subjects is to pit them to a specially designed battery of tests. Each test measures a criterion of performance necessary to succeed in the pitched field of battle. Like the UN Security Council, there are 5 permanent categories:

• Intellectual and/or Literary Merit – What, if any, has the combatant added to the world of thought? Has the combatant synthesized the diverse strands of thought and words to create new and lasting value?
• Influence – How has the combatant changed the world by deed? What great changes have been wrought through the actions of the combatant?
• Image/Aesthetic – How does the rest of the world perceive the combatant? How does the combatant “brand” itself?
• Pomposity – Without pomposity, where would this site be? This is a vital category.
• Rocking Your Face Off – Probably the most important category of all. Nothing in life has any value if it doesn’t rock your face off.

In addition, there are two revolving categories which reflect the specific conditions of the specific conflict. In this case they are:

• Stability of Membership – Has there been a unified group membership throughout the combatant’s career?
• Frontman – Who is the champion selected to represent the combatants on the field of honor? Who all eyes turn to when the follow-spots are on?

Got it? Good. It’s time to move along, because we have some ranking to do:

The Battle:

Intellectual and/or Literary Merit
The UN is not exactly the most romantic of bodies. It doesn’t inspire poets or playwrights, and it certainly doesn’t produce much poetry on its own, as the most recent UN Resolution on Iraq can attest. On a philosophical level, I suppose the UN can derive some justification from the works of Bertrand Russell regarding the necessity of a single world government. But that’s just reaching.

Iron Maiden, on the other hand, has a discography that is rich and varied, seamlessly synthesizing such disparate source material as The First Detective Story (“Murders in the Rue Morgue”), Romantic Epic Poetry (“The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”), classic Cult Television (“The Prisoner”), War films (“Where Eagles Dare”), and Romany legends (“Seventh Son of a Seventh Son”) into new and varied musical offerings. And that’s just scratching the surface.

Advantage: Maiden

---

Influence

Iron Maiden’s merging of the heaviness of bands like Black Sabbath, the technical precision of bands like Judas Priest, the mysticism of Led Zeppelin, and the raw attitude of early UK punk created a template for any of a number of Metal followers. To this day, an Iron Maiden tour can fill stadiums from Brazil to Eastern Europe to Southeast Asia. And they could probably still fill a decent sized nightclub anywhere else.

The UN, on the other hand, has about the political power of a hall monitor. Overridden time and again by China, the Former Soviet Union, and the United States, the UN Security Council might as well just send an online petition to those that transgress against peace.

Advantage: Maiden

---

Image/Aesthetic:

Okay, here’s where it gets tough. Maiden is not, what one would call a “pretty” band. Or even a “presentable” one. And, like all Metal bands in the ‘80s, they wore clothes that looked, to be charitable, goofy:




Of course, the UN is not much more fashionable. Rivaling the British army’s Redcoats for inappropriateness in the field of battle, I present the intimidation of the Powder Blue Warriors of the United Nations:



So far, it’s looking like a push. Now, if only each combatant had a symbol the world over could recognize and admire…oh wait…they do…

The UN:



The Irons:


A map vs. Eddie? Give me a break.

Advantage: Maiden

---

Pomposity

The U.N., in its own words:

“The United Nations is central to global efforts to solve problems that challenge humanity. Cooperating in this effort are more than 30 affiliated organizations, known together as the UN system. Day in and day out, the UN and its family of organizations work to promote respect for human rights, protect the environment, fight disease and reduce poverty. UN agencies define the standards for safe and efficient air travel and help improve telecommunications and enhance consumer protection. The United Nations leads the international campaigns against drug trafficking and terrorism. Throughout the world, the UN and its agencies assist refugees, set up programmes to clear landmines, help expand food production and lead the fight against AIDS.”

Get over yourself, U.N. Also, where are the periods in your initials? And “programmes” are something I watch on my “colour telly.”

Iron Maiden: In 1988, at the height of their fame, the band released a concept album about a fortuneteller that fails to convince a village of an oncoming holocaust, peppered with progressive metal songs, gypsy folklore, and references to the seven deadly sins.
Winner and Still Champion: Maiden

Rocking Your Face Off:

UN has elected to pass on this challenge. Although I hear former Secretary General Dag Hammarskjöld briefly fronted a Death Metal group called “Fjist.”

Advantage: Maiden

---

Stability of Membership

Of the 51 original members of the UN, all still remain other than Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia, who both ceased to exist as nations in 1992. All of the nations formed afterwards from these two nations have been admitted since this time. Since 1945, the UN has seen a net gain in total membership of 141. The only major personnel shift in UN history as been when the People’s Republic of China replaced Taiwan due to “creative differences.”

Maiden, on the other hand, did not release two consecutive albums with the same lineup until their fifth album, Powerslave. Over the years, they have had 3 drummers, 4 guitarists, and 3 lead vocalists (counting official releases only). Only their bass player and lead guitarist have been with the band from the outset.

Advantage: UN

---

Frontman

Currently, the UN is fronted by Ban Ki-moon, a South Korean fan of diplomacy who rose to fame via unlikely means – a homemade video of himself mediating an Assembly that covered Classic UN resolutions like the Congo Intervention and the Founding of Unicef. The UN, desperate to replace the popular Khofi Annan (who left the UN to pursue solo projects), happened to catch this video on Youtube and soon Ban was “Living the Dream” of an International Figurehead. However, many diehard fans look at him as a feeble replacement for such an international star, and some have grumbled that maybe the UN has “outlived it’s usefulness.”

When original Iron Maiden frontman Paul Di’Anno left the group in 1981, few thought this once up and coming metal act had a chance of surviving. However, the addition of Ex-Samson vocalist Bruce Dickinson (yes, THE Bruce Dickinson) meant that not only did Maiden survive – it thrived. Dickinson’s operatic vocals and enthusiastic, sweaty appeals to the crowds of screaming fans to “Scream for” him fit the double barreled assault of Iron Maiden like a pair of zebra-striped tights. Classic album after classic album followed suit. And despite a brief period when Dickinson was replaced with the less-than-inspiring Blaze Bayley, Dickinson has taken the boys to new levels of success, fame, and world domination.

Advantage: Maiden

---

Given the superlative performance in this Scientifically Conducted Contest, it looks like a landslide. By a score of six to one, Iron Maiden handily defeats the United Nations.

Up next: Iron Maiden vs. The Innocent Laughter of a Child!

Do you have any suggestions for whom Iron Maiden should do battle with next? Feel free to leave them in the comments section, where they will likely be ignored!

Pomp Culture Press Conference

This piece originally appeared on the now defunct Pomp Culture, which used to be Thunder Matt's Saloon, and then returned to that name before becoming Exile on Clark Street...I think I still write for them...

Hello, and welcome to the first in a series of press conferences at Pomp Culture. I'm your host and moderator, Chip Wesley. Each conference will feature one member of the Pomp Culture Collective as they answer questions from their esteemed colleagues. Today we will be introducing our newest member to the group, Jon.

Jon, who blogs under his surname Wolter, has done some writing at his own personal blog, The Slog, as well as the horrific and bewildering Bleed Grizzly Pink. He currently resides in Chicago, which makes his addition to the site crucial to neutralizing some of our west coast bias.

Anyway, let's get Jon up here so we can begin with the questioning.

Jon: [coughs nervously] Thank you all for coming. I'm both honored and mildly appalled at my
selection to provide content for--

[checks card]

"Pomp Culture?" Is this some sort of rockabilly site? Well, I generally use Murray's Pomade with a dab of Royal-

[Brief discussion, illegible]

Nevermind. Anyway, I'm glad my sporadic blogging at my own site has generated--I see that I've been told to move right to the questions...okay.

Daft Funk: With your involvement in several of the Illinois governor scandals from years past, as well as your rumored involvement with the OJ Simpson Murders, do you think you'll be able to stay on track and perform, both at Pomp Culture and in the sack?

Jon: No matter what the governor or OJ may have done, I was the legitimate appointee to this point, and I'm well qualified to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. And when I find that out, look out internet!

Brant Brown: Jon. Oasis or Blur?

Jon: Funny you should ask. Tentatively, I say Blur, but I'm
actually working on a scientific scale to prove it. Currently, in the initial test of Iron Maiden vs. Judas Priest, it seems pretty reliable. I'll be happy to provide the results once the FDA concludes its Quality Assurance audit of the test facilities.

Governor X: As a Denny's stockholder, I would like to hear some details on your dish preferences and how frequently you visit the establishment. Could you provide?

Jon: It is to my ever-abiding shame to report that I am not a common frequenter of Denny's, having grown up in the heart of Waffle House country. However, if they serve Country Fried Steak with White Gravy, then that is what I would order.

Chaim Witz: Who, in your qualified opinion, has been the best KISS replacement member over the years?

Jon: Clearly Vinnie Vincent. And not just for his obvious technical proficiency, his utter rejection of his Italian heritage to make a buck, or his tacit support of the worship of Mighty Osiris in his assumption of the mantle of Ankh Warrior.

No, Vinnie has taught us the important lesson that anyone can, through hard work and general jackassery, manage to get fired from KISS for "unethical behavior."

Chip: In one aspect or another we're all guilty of snobbery whether it be food, sports, music, movies, politics, etc. What would you be considered a snob of the most? Has this ever led to arguments ending in a finger jab to the throat?

Jon: Well, of course, I try to be as elitist as possible in my daily life, but I really think my snobbery has come to the forefront in three areas:

1. The field of pre-, proto-, quasi-, meta-, post-, and unprefixed punk. Of which I have my own
definitions. And woe betide any that dare speak against my proclaimed tastes in this field.

2. As a native of South Carolina, the only state with 4 distinct Barbecue traditions (Vinegar, Carolina Mustard, and both Light and Heavy Tomato-based), I have engaged many a sissy slapfight with those that either use barbecue as a verb or refer to grilled food as "barbecued." Also, the abbreviation BBQ and its variants should only be used when handwritten on a wooden sign.

3. My innate sense of revulsion at the obscene Midwestern tradition of slicing pizza into squares. Anyone over seven that eats pizza like this will get a resigned eyeroll and a haughty sniff if they try it in my presence. Unless of course, someone else is paying for a pizza I'm eating. Then, sure, because c'mon...it's just pizza.

Jordi: In an internet search of your name, I found that you play hockey for Dartmouth.

Two questions: 1) Does the Outing Club really help people to come out of the closet? 2) What kind of groupies are you most familiar with?

Bonus question: Before Pomp Culture, what blogs did you read and why?

Jon: 1) I don't know if it helps, but anything that enables you to feel free to be
yourself couldn't hurt. I mean unless you're into getting hurt. Then it probably will.

2) Most of the groupies I've dealt with have been people that have mistaken me for Rivers Cuomo. Although, once I was mistaken for Mario Cuomo. But I didn't really get any action for it. Unless you consider a guest speaking engagement at the Buena Park League of Women Voters "action."

Bonus: The usual suspects for baseball (the one sport that I can actually analyze with some confidence), especially Cubs ones (HireJimEssian, Desipio, FJM, Baseball Prospectus). I also have a soft spot in my nerdy heart for blogs about the ridiculous crap that went on in old comics. And, of course, Rodney Anonymous's blog, because if you can't learn a life lesson from the former Dead Milkmen frontman, it is unteachable.

Daft Funk: I see you mentioned comics. Are you a comic nerd?

Jon: I was a huge comics nerd in the late 80s. Then I was a pretentious indie comics nerd in the 90s. A while back, I realized that heck, I have a decent job, a great girlfriend, and a pretty passable semblance of a life, so I went back to comics because I now have nothing toprove.

Brant Brown: Russia or the United States. Pick one.

Jon: I'm going to go with the U.S. because we have Captain America. Though Russia has the Red Ghost and his Super-Apes...so that's kind of a wash, since I have a soft spot for super-powered apes.

Wait. I'm forgetting that we also have Rock'n'Roll, which beats Tuvan throat singing rather handily in the badass department. Plus, there's no way Ivan Drago takes out Carl Weathers in a fair fight. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Jordi: Jon, favorite pro wrestler? This will say a lot about you in my book.

Jon: Well, I'm a little out of the loop, but I will tell you that I was always a fan of the "Heel" characters when I was younger. I'm far too weak and girlish to be a wrestler, but one of my Dream Jobs would be an evil manager, like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

As far as actual wrestlers, I've always had a soft spot for "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. He was the Celtics to Hogan's Lakers (or maybe the Oakland Raiders to Hogan's 49ers - I'm not good at non-baseball analogies). My favorite pro-wrestling moment of all time was on a mid-80s Saturday Night Main Event when an injured Piper came out to beat the hell out of Adrian Adonis (a Gorgeous George rip-off that had played hell with the WWF for much of the preceding
months, through the time honored tactic of cheating). Piper beat Adonis down with his crutches in spectacular fashion. If I recall correctly, Piper hated Adonis so much that he helped a woozy Hogan keep his belt during that fight, which a judicious folding-chair to the Hulk's face had placed within Adonis's grasp.

But it's been over 20 years since I watched that, so don't quote me.

Lingering Bursitis: Three questions. 1)What is your ultimate desert island disc. You can only take one album.

2)What do you request for your last meal on Death Row? More importantly, if you were ever to end up

on Death Row, what would your crimes be? 3)Who's your favourite Beatle?

Jon: Desert Island Disc: I'm going to be cliched and say London Calling, which has been my answer for 15 years now. But several other albums are gaining on it.

Last meal: A McRib, A country-fried steak, and a plate of hot wings. Hopefully, I have a heart attack and die before they execute me for the brutal ritual killings of Jimmy Buffett, James Taylor, and all non-Joe Walsh members of the Eagles. Walsh just gets cut a little.

My favorite Beatle is Ringo.

Honorable mention to Stu Sutcliffe and George Martin.

Chip: Say you're a member of a successful rock band.

Name 3 items that must be in your backstage green room or you'll refuse to go on?

Jon: Exactly 416 White Cheddar Cheez-its, unbroken, served in a crystal bowl. A French press stocked with the most expensive coffee to be found in a 50-mile radius A guy who looks uncannily like Jerry Orbach who just sits in a corner, reading the paper and grumbling to himself.

Jordi: What is your favorite Wu-Tang rapper and why? This will also tell me a lot about you.

Jon: I'm partial to the GZA. To some extent, it's because he made Liquid Swords. But really it's because when they form like Voltron, he happens to be the head.

Dave Thomas: What is your most hated mispronunciation?

Jon: No one realizes that the word forte (as in "not my forte") should be pronounced "fort,"not for-tay. It comes from the the French word for stregth, not the Italian word for loud (oh, I'm also an etymology snob). But I know that is a losing battle.

Also, though it is apparently an acceptable alternate pronunciation, when people say Cli-TOR-is instead of CLIT-or-is, a little part of me dies inside.

Chip: Alright, we have time for just one more question.

Daft Funk: What three words would you use to describe this picture?

Jon: Gay Robot Prom?

Chip: OK, that concludes our press conference today, thanks to all who participated. Jon, do you have any final comments?

Jon: I have a deep and abiding NONSEXUAL love of Bea Arthur.

Chip: Welcome to Pomp Culture Jon.