New Grizzhead?

Of all the things I have ever done on the internet that were baffling to the brain, Bleed Grizzly Pink may be the brain-bafflingest. A fictional Chicago team that sold out completely to corporate interest and non-fans, the Grizzlies were based on a reader comment made at the inexplicably popular Bleed Cubbie Blue. At one point BGP had like 9 writers, each of which pretty much made up whatever the hell they wanted to. And that is all you get from me. Here's an archived piece:

I just got a mysterious email from a man who referred to himself as "J.M" requesting to join BGP as a contributor. Now, BGP is a pretty exclusive group of Grizzly Fanatics that share a common goal of promoting the Grizz fan lifestyle, but I am intrigued. The letter reads as follows:

Good Morning Sir or Madam,

I am a longtime fan of your blog, despite being a Major Player in the Legitimate Sports Media Field. I just left an influential position as a writer for a prominent Boise newspaper covering the White Sox (for political reasons best left unsaid, but suffice to say Larry Craig isn't the only man in the state with a wide stance), and would love to bring my PROVOCATIVE, INSIGHTFUL style to your blog.

I have been an occasional fixture on CABLE SPORTS, and am a frequent (indirect) contributor to Fire Joe Morgan. I think I would add a cachet of NATIONAL INTEREST to your little internet operation.

If you are interested, please contact me (SOON) at guillenisajerk@suntimes.com. Also, if you have a couch or day bed or know of any bath houses I can crash at until I get a place in Chicago, I would be so grateful.

Thanks,

J.M.

Well, I'm not ever remotely sure who this guy is, but I'm tempted to see how this works out. Any advice, fellow Grizzsters?

Your 2008 Grizzlies: Derrick Li

Of all the things I have ever done on the internet that were baffling to the brain, Bleed Grizzly Pink may be the brain-bafflingest. A fictional Chicago team that sold out completely to corporate interest and non-fans, the Grizzlies were based on a reader comment made at the inexplicably popular Bleed Cubbie Blue. At one point BGP had like 9 writers, each of which pretty much made up whatever the hell they wanted to. And that is all you get from me. Here's an archived piece:

DISCLAIMER: I’m still trying to do a background check on this so-called “J.M.” from Boise, but until I hear from Datasource, I’m just going to have to keep blogging without him, MSM exposure be damned.

Hopefully, the rest of the BGP stable will be able to contribute soon, although the first annual BGP Dometop game last Saturday at Shennany North took its toll on a lot of the contributors. RV and Felix were trying to order every single variety of Cosmo on the menu, Morpheus was ejected and nearly imprisoned when he threatened a waiter with his sword cane after being told the bar could not break a $10,000 bill, and Apex may or may not be in Guantanamo after a disagreement with a Washington Expo fan turned into a improvised rap duel in which he claimed the “White House walls are gonna run pink.” Who knew that the secret service was in town?

As for myself, I suppose drinking a Signature Grizzly Cran-Straw-Raspberrytini after ever run proved a foolish plan, as the Grizz was up by 48 in the fifth, which is the last thing I remembered before checking my email this morning.

Either way, it’s time to get to today’s BGP 2008 profile, the controversial first baseman, Derrick Li. We’ve already written of his son’s tragic battles with hemorrhoids (T-Shirts still available – we now take Certified Checks as well!), but what of his own struggles, triumphs, and scandals? Perhaps no other player embodies the inherent contradictions of our own “lovable winners” like Li.

Born in Pyongyang at some point in the Cold War (records are spotty), Derrick’s formative years were spent in the secret North Korean Super Soldier¹ program. Kim Jong Il specifically mentored Li, attempting to mold him as the ultimate rebuke of Western Decadence. A child of African-American parents who succeeded (nay excelled) away from the supposedly racist Running Dog Imperialist America would be a feather in his wicked cap. To this aim, Li was dosed with any of a number of chemicals, received strenuous physical training, and studied political science extensively. While this developed his hand eye coordination, discipline, and strength, the brainwashing he endured in his youth has left a lasting legacy on his outlook on politics. Barely a week goes by without Li taking a swipe at U.S. foreign policy, American pop culture, or the Free Market in general. But most Grizzly boosters take that as Derrick being Derrick², and smile.

Not so humorous were allegations held after the 2005 season by angry Idahoans that Li was clearly a Warsaw-pact built military robot prototype that the Grizzlies had re-engineered as a hitting machine. It wasn’t until extensive physical examinations and blood tests were done by the MLB offices that the White Sox finally agreed to stop attempting to have Li dismantled. Of course, the last time Grizzly fans gave a damn about the ravings of White Sox supporters was the 4th of Never.

But who could blame anyone for doubting if Li was human in 2005? Li was immense that year, leading the league in batting average, homeruns, and runs batted in for the 2nd consecutive year, prompting the late Dan Plesac to dub him “Conductor” of the fabled Big Pink Train. Like most Plesac-coined terms, this one did not stick.

Li’s 2005 season was, on some levels a letdown, though. He spent most of the season flirting with the Sabermetric Triple Crown (an achievement that has yet to be achieved by any baseball player who played after 1879). While Lee handily led both leagues in WARP-3 and FRAA, he lost out the third category when SABR poster boy Adam Dunn narrowly beat him in the All-Star Pie Eating Contest. This loss was made doubly tough by the debate in the stats community of the importance of BiGPAPi (Blueberries Ingested: Pies Adjusted for Park Index) to a baseball player’s overall value after the 2006 decision to outlaw the use of Rascal Scooters on the field, thus limiting Dunn’s range and speed immensely.

One upshot of the 2005 season: the blood tests done at MLB’s behest not only proved his humanity, but ultimately resolved the unstated issue of his paternity as well, which led to one of the most tearful reunions in Grizztory, when former Harlem Globetrotters star Meadowlark Lemon embraced his long lost son, who had been kidnapped during the filming of a TV movie with the cast of Gilligan’s Island, in the clubhouse at the Pad after the final game of the 2006 NLCS (a sweep of the hapless Cardinals, who had the nerve to think they could bluff their way into a championship after only 83 regular season wins). Oh, you could claim their faces were just drenched in white wine spritzers, but those were clearly tears of joy.

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1. A holdover from U.S. and Russian efforts during the 1940s to create national super heroes modeled after the popular “Captain America” comic book character. The U.S. program was discontinued quickly after Truman took office, as he deemed it “super gay.” The Soviets had many failed efforts, and their program was officially disbanded after Nikolai Volkoff, the only known test subject to survive past infancy, defected to the WWF.


2. For the record, Derrick is a nickname given to Li when President George H.W. Bush compared the tall and lanky Li to an oil derrick during his much-publicized escape from Korea in 1990.

If I May Be Serious For Just a Moment...

Of all the things I have ever done on the internet that were baffling to the brain, Bleed Grizzly Pink may be the brain-bafflingest. A fictional Chicago team that sold out completely to corporate interest and non-fans, the Grizzlies were based on a reader comment made at the inexplicably popular Bleed Cubbie Blue. At one point BGP had like 9 writers, each of which pretty much made up whatever the hell they wanted to. And that is all you get from me. Here's an archived piece:

We like to have fun here at Bleed Grizzly Pink. And we should, because let's face it, it's almost always fun to ride the Big Pink Train all season long. And most GrizzBoosters are honest fans who just want to have a good time with their friends, family, and corporate sponsors. But there are a handful of green potato chips out there that are spoiling the whole bag for me.

Now, we as a fanbase have grown accustomed to winning. Ever since Lee Elia's fabled 1983 tirade convinced the Tribune Company to sell the hapless Cubs to Smilin' Sam Zeeck (the marketing genius who got rid of that hideous, disease-ridden ivy and silly nautical scoreboard¹ at Old Weegham Park before it was gutted to add the retractable Dome and Skymall we all love today), the newly rechristened Grizzlies have never gone under .500 (heck, there are only 3 seasons that they dipped below .575). In fact, though some diehard fans of the "Kubbeez," as they were once nicknamed, threatened to boycott games at The Pad until the old blue uniforms were restored, the winning ways of 1984 soon made them "come around."

[As an aside, I'm barely old enough to remember a time when "Bleeding Kubbee Blue" wasn't Chicago slang for refusing to be happy unless everything was going your way. Apparently Mike Royko coined that delightful expression during the week-long citywide celebration of Grizzly Pride after the 1984 World Series - right after Houston Pink set fire to an effigy of Dave Kingman. Per a champagne-drenched Royko: "If all those idiots want to bleed Kubbee blue over the loss of Ding Dongs like this, let 'em move to Boise."]

Why would anyone want to go back to this?

So yes, we have a strong tradition of winning. But we have to remember that the baseball season is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A marathon with lead weights on your legs and wild dogs nipping at your heels.

Which leads me to last night. The first home loss of any season is tough, and it's made doubly tough by the fact that the Grizz were working on an overall 32-game winning streak, dating back to that tough loss the day before the All-Star break when the entire team accidently left a day early for Detroit, forcing the emergency call-up of the Iowa Grizzlies roster (who managed to take the Giants into the 14th inning before losing on a controversial strike call).² It's okay to be upset by the fact that "Little Big Klusz" Mark Fontegna went hitless, ending his streak just three games shy of DiMaggio's record (the only major record in MLB not held by a Pink-Hatter, after "Slammin'" Sammy Soto retired with 1,567 home runs).³

However, it is not okay to accuse the Grizz of throwing the game. Even great teams get beaten. Sure it's suspicious that Derrick Li hit into his first double play in 2,553 at bats. Yes, it seems highly unlikely that Grizzly starter Lyle "Lily" Delano Roosevelt would fail to make his 5th consecutive no-hitter. And the hacking swings from Alonzo were a far cry from his usual disciplined plate demeanor. But these things happen, even to the very best of us. And Reds starter Balki Cornrowyo stunned us all by not pitching like the glorified mop-up man his career stats indicate.

Remember, all you DOOM-sayers who live and die by every loss, fearing that no team this good could lose unless it is deliberate: Chicago is a city that WILL NOT STAND for corruption. The last time a Chicago team was suborned by amoral, lawless gangsters (way back in 1919, mind you), we ran them out of town on a rail. And frankly, Boise can keep their "White Sox." Chicago is a one-team kind of town, anyway.

The Grizz lost. Just like they have on 5 previous occasions this season (leading sportswriters to joke that they're a "awful, awful road team"). And it's entirely possible that they may lose again before the season is over. But don't let your fully justified confidence and pride in this team lead you to believe the worst. This is easily the 3rd or 4th best Grizzly team of my lifetime, and I have faith that Grizz manager Jim Essian would never allow the Pad to soak up any of that kind of filth.

I'm glad I got that off my chest. Thank you for bearing with me on this post. Now that I've cleared the air, let's jump back onto the platform, let the conductor punch our ticket, and ride that Big Pink Train to VICTORY!

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1. I bet someone could make an hilarious photoshop with a Jolly Roger on top of that thing - but why would the Grizz have a pirate theme anyway? We're certainly not in Pittsburgh! ROFLMAOWTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ONE!!!!!!!!!!
2. I, of course, do not consider that a home loss, as the game was relocated to Des Moines due to minor-league superstar left-fielder Jackson DuPage's fear of air travel.
3. A moment made even more poignant by the fact that his retirement was due to the fact his PED-induced brain tumor was finally obscuring his vision so badly that during the retirement party, Sammy couldn't see well enough to symbolically smash the "Lucky Boombox" that Soto used to increase team unity through sing alongs (for those new to the Pink Party: every year, Soto would destroy the season's boom box, while laughing and saying "New Year, New Song, New Radio" in his never-perfect English). Woodrow Kerrigan finally had to borrow one of Soto's famed Cork Clobberer's to finish the job. The picture of Woodsy holding the splintered nubbin of the bat, with tear-stained eyes, is one of the most moving images in Grizztory.

Your 2008 Grizzlies: Ryne Therroyo

Of all the things I have ever done on the internet that were baffling to the brain, Bleed Grizzly Pink may be the brain-bafflingest. A fictional Chicago team that sold out completely to corporate interest and non-fans, the Grizzlies were based on a reader comment made at the inexplicably popular Bleed Cubbie Blue. At one point BGP had like 9 writers, each of which pretty much made up whatever the hell they wanted to. And that is all you get from me. Here's an archived piece:


Grit. Determination. Playing the game The Right Way. Not being afraid to get your uniform dirty.

These are just a few of the things that Grizzlies fans are relatively indifferent to. We hold our players to different standards than other teams. We want patient hitters with a lot of power, cannon arms, and natural athletic ability. Just like Ryne Therroyo, the slugging shortstop and #2 hitter for the 2008 Grizz Machine.

Don't let his small size fool you, "Ryngo" (as he is playfully known to the Grizzly faithful in his hometown of Liverpool, England) is a coiled spring of pure hitting power. His frozen rope line drives and opposite field home runs are already the stuff of local legend, as are the slick double play partnership with fellow Liverpudlian slugger Mack "Little Ted Kluszewski" Fontegna.

Indeed the Mersey Marauders, as "The Royo" (the nickname Grizzly color commentator Brent Bonely is contractually obligated to call him after losing a bet with colorful owner Sam Zeeck during a charity pie eating contest) and "Little Klusz" were known when they starred together on the Cambridge University American-Style Rounders Team before signing with the Grizzlies after matriculating, are inextricably linked in the minds of The Fabled Box Bums. Even as undergraduates, when "Ryngo" lead the Cambridge Seven in Metric Homeruns with 37.4 and Fontegna posted a European Record 14 Dodekacouples (a particularly exciting offensive play exclusive to the British version of the sport whereupon the "batsman" advances 2 bases on a ground rule double, then rolls a pair of dice to see how many additional bases he is allowed to reach, provided the left fielder was unable to outrun him in a foot race held prior to the match), the fans were so worried that the duo might be split that a group of rowdy Rounders Hooligans, blasted out of their minds on room-temperature stout, attempted to sew them together with fishing line. Thankfully, the fan's tailoring was mostly as poor as their dentistry, and both men managed to recover with minimal injury and one heck of a good story to tell at GrizzlyCon '08.

The Royo's other major claim to fame is that it was his genetic code that was used to crack the Human Genome Project, which led some wags to joke about a fanciful cloned "40-Therroyo Roster" which would dominate the National League handily. While Sabremetricians are largely in agreement that a lineup consisting entirely of Ryne Therroyos would handily defeat any other proposed lineups in history, such as the 1927 Yankees, the 1975 Reds, the 2005 Grizzlies, and even the fanciful All-Satchel Paige Replicants Barnstorming team dreamed up by Sci-Fi visionary Philip K. Dick, the odds of such a lineup being stable enough to complete a season without imploding and forming a neutron star are up for serious debate in the field of Theoretical Particle Physics.

Your 2008 Grizzlies: Alonso Sorialdo

Of all the things I have ever done on the internet that were baffling to the brain, Bleed Grizzly Pink may be the brain-bafflingest. A fictional Chicago team that sold out completely to corporate interest and non-fans, the Grizzlies were based on a reader comment made at the inexplicably popular Bleed Cubbie Blue. At one point BGP had like 9 writers, each of which pretty much made up whatever the hell they wanted to. And that is all you get from me. Here's an archived piece:

We here at BGP wanted to inaugarate our little entry to the BLOGOSPHERE with a little series outlining the astounding personalities on the '08 roster. We could focus on the astonishing stats that this team has produced, but really, we care more about how this team makes us FEEL. And of course we'd have to "lead off" with that quintessential leadoff hitter, Alonso Sorialdo.

Alonso Sorialdo, or as BGP sister site ChucktoChuck calls him: "Awesomso Selflessaldo," is a key contributor to the 2008 Grizzlies march towards an astounding 12th straight NL pennant. His back-to-back-to-back 40-40 seasons have astonished many fans, as has his slick and flawless flielding in left field. Indeed some of the caroms I've personally watched him play off the fabled Pink Monster were so jaw dropping that we jokingly referred to him as "The Human Web Gem FTP Site." And his OBP is usually higher than most players SLG, due to a plate discipline that surpasses even the legendarily patient Grizzly right fielder Koruke Inurmoma.

But even more so than his play in the field, his demeanor and attitude inspire this Grizzlies team. From the moment he was acquired on waivers from the Washington Expos, "Lonzie" has been a team leader: a tireless mentor to rookies and a boon companion to veterans. His intensity and focus, as well has his relentless hustle are the stuff of legends and folk ballads. When asked why he tries so hard on the field, he responded in the flawless English he taught himself as a child: "I remember my father telling me 'My son, you have enough natural talent to be a solid, above average player on any major league team. Relax, and make some money.' This notion disgusted me so much that I ran away from home. If you have the talent to be the greatest of all time, why not work hard at it all the time?"

And as far as making some money, Alonso has - but not in the traditional sense. He has invested the lion's share of his league minimum salary wisely, leveraging a personal weath that rivals most Fortune 500 CEOs. Why does he insist on league minimum? Why the year-to-year contract renewal at the Grizzlies' discretion? Let's let Sorialdo put it in his own words: "Why should they pay me to play a child's game? If it weren't for those damn Players' Union rules, I'd do it for room and board! And I want to play here as long as I'm useful, but the moment Jimmy Hemry thinks I'm not worth it, I want the team to be albe to do what's right for the fans."

We salute you, Alonso. Truly a gamer in every sense of the world.

The Pad: Dripping With Memories

Of all the things I have ever done on the internet that were baffling to the brain, Bleed Grizzly Pink may be the brain-bafflingest. A fictional Chicago team that sold out completely to corporate interest and non-fans, the Grizzlies were based on a reader comment made at the inexplicably popular Bleed Cubbie Blue. At one point BGP had like 9 writers, each of which pretty much made up whatever the hell they wanted to. And that is all you get from me. Here's an archived piece:

Ah, Memory Lane. Probably my favorite shady street to linger on. Of course, we Grizzly boosters have a lot of nice friends living there. Practically every house on Memory Lane has a light burning and a key under the mat, ready to be turned. That key: the key to our Hot Pink Hearts.

Forgive me for waxing so poetic, but it’s been a good life as a Grizzly fan. So many memories, almost all of them positive. After Ryan’s stellar post about his favorite memory, I thought I’d talk about one of mine. I can’t say it’s the best, because as I’ve said my whole life as a Grizzhead has been “all good.”

I suppose I could talk my first trip to The Pad at age ten, walking up those steps to the field. Everything was so pink. Pinker than the pinkest bottle of store brand Pink Bismuth (compare to Pepto-Bismol^TM) in my mother’s medicine cabinet. Pinker than a strawberry Jello^TM Brand Gelatin pop. Pinker than a pinafore dress in the pinkest closet of Barbie^TM’s Dream House, viewed through a pink filter by an albino with pink eye. Brother, that place was pink. I can barely remember the game (other than that we won on a squeeze bunt by “Ring “The Ringo” Sandler), but I remember the almost womblike tranquility of Stay Free^R Maxipad^TM Field^{TM, R}.

Or I could talk about watching “Swattin’” Stevie Sota hit his 63rd and 64th home runs of the month of June in 1998. That was the year Bud “The Rooster” Selig caved to pressure from the players union and made PED’s mandatory. Second baseman Mickie “Mickey” Morandinelli hit for the cycle twice in one game for the second time of the season, which was cool, but totally eclipsed when Sota’s second home run of the night landed in the middle of Irving Park road, leaving a dent in a CTA bus stop sign that to this day is still called “The Sota Transfer.”

Or maybe the game I watched from the Upper Upper Tier Reserved Box of The Pad, just outside the freshly built “Shenanny North” (as The Fabled Box Bums insist on calling the second Shenanigans that was built on top of The Pad’s semi-retractable dome). The Grizz has just won a bidding war with the Cardinals to sign Jim “Kid Chicago” Edmonds (They still called him “Hollywood” at the time of signing, but 5 homers on his first day in the Grizzly Pink half-shirt soon changed that) from the Angels on the on the same day they extended Grizzly lifer Greg “Maddux” Maddog’s contract for 5 more years, and aside from the aforementioned 5 doggie dongs (I’ve never known why we Grizz fans called them that, by the way. Just part of the Grizzly traditions, like returning foul balls for the $5 deposit or booing the setup man for exactly 27 seconds at the top of the 8th), seeing “Maddux” pitch his 6th no-hitter in a row to break his own record from the previous season was the high point of the day.

Really all of these moments are near and dear to me, but really there is no one moment that stands out. Just a feeling. A feeling of Grizzly Swagger. You taste it with every Appletini in the Grizzly Mall Shenanigans (Or “Triplenanny,” to the Box Bums), located on what used to be called “Waveland Avenue” back before “Padtown” was leveled and rebuilt in the mid-80s. You hear it every time a child sings “Funkytown during the stretch, trying to do his best impression of longtime Grizzly Announcer Howie Mandel’s delivery of the classic rallying song of the fabled “Big Pink Train” team that annihilated the Boise White Sox in the 2005 World Series. You feel it in the artificial turf every Mother’Day when The Pad opens the field for the Bjork ‘n Friends Eclectic Folk Revue Concert Series.

My favorite Grizzly memory? It's a Pad-Tie (if you'll excuse the pun stolen from the noodle shop at the Grizzly Food Court) - ALL OF THEM.

I uncovered one hell of a fine new blog...

www.bleedgrizzlypink.blogspot.com

Sure to be updated at indeterminate times by indeterminate folks.

Welcome to BGP!

Of all the things I have ever done on the internet that were baffling to the brain, Bleed Grizzly Pink may be the brain-bafflingest. A fictional Chicago team that sold out completely to corporate interest and non-fans, the Grizzlies were based on a reader comment made at the inexplicably popular Bleed Cubbie Blue. At one point BGP had like 9 writers, each of which pretty much made up whatever the hell they wanted to. And that is all you get from me. Here's an archived piece:

Welcome fans of the lovable winners, the Chicago Grizzlies!

This blog is the home of anyone who loves to eat a delicious loose meat sammitch in the Bud Light Pavilion of Stay Free Maxipads Field with the Grizzlies annihilate the competition!

Stay tuned!