Friday, April 24, 2009

Things I Would Rather Do...

From the Thunder Matt's Saloon archive.

Ugh. Even the picture ENRAGES me.I missed yesterday's game, but I hear that once again, Neal Cotts is violating the Geneva Convention by pitching in baseball games. This saddens me enough to allow Thunder Matt's Saloon to print some excerpts from my upcoming book, 10,001 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch Neal Cotts Pitch For the Cubs.

The book will be a lavish, coffee-table style hardcover full of illustrations completely unrelated to Neal Cotts pitching for the Cubs, as there are over ten thousand other things I'd rather do than ever see that again. However, plans are in the works for a deluxe edition bound in Neal Cotts' skin, if I can just talk Hendry into releasing that turd.

Here are a few to whet your appetite:

~Hammer a 6" railroad spike through my own left foot

~Listen to an Audiobook of Mike Tyson reading the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

~Listen to Chris DeLuca explain how Alexei Ramirez is the best baseball player in Chicago, even though a mentally challenged Cocker Spaniel can tell he's not the best baseball player on his own team, or even the best player named A. Ramirez in Chicago, for that matter

~Spend one full year living in Indiana (Official State Motto: "Why Not Give Up On Life Here?")

~Relive the time I was eight and watched my dog get hit by a car over and over again

~Attend a synagogue in Jerusalem with Mel Gibson

~Play an 8-hour marathon of The 3-D adventures of World Runner

~Perform a pap smear on Paris Hilton

~Get a tattoo of Ernest Borgnine's face on top of my own face

~Sit in a hot tub full of Au Jus with a naked Chip Wesley (the casual TMS reader probably doesn't realize how real this fear is)

~Eat a huge bowl of cilantro, and wash it down with a Woodchuck Pear Cider

~Listen to Chaim explain, in depth, how Kiss are "totally better than Maiden, man."

~Actually write a blog post for TMS

I'm already gathering data for the sequel, 10,001 Things YOU'D Rather Do Than Watch Neal Cotts Pitch For the Cubs, so feel free to submit your own in the comments section.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Friday Morning Spew

AAAAAH!I figure if ladies man and inhuman freak of nature Larry King could spend 20 years working for USA Today as a syndicated columnist by vomiting stream of consciousness statements and the occasional plug for a celebrity project,1 then this can't be too hard. Let's see how I do. Note: this blog is also posted on Thunder Matt's Saloon, but not Hitler Getting Punched - at least, not yet.

After Kevin James and Seth Rogen both took the plunge, who's the next Hollywood Heavyweight to star in a Wacky Mall Security Guard vehicle? The smart money is on Chris Farley's Painfully Unfunny Right Wing Lunatic Brother......Some people may prefer A.J. for his plus fastball and dazzling curve, but MSNBC's Erin Burnett's dazzling curves can be on my fantasy team any day.......Sure it was loaded with clever wordplay and knowing references, but I think Edward Everett Horton's voice work is what made the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show special......Jimmy John's may claim to be "America's #1 Sandwich Delivery," but faced with a choice, I would have Potbelly Sandwich Works......Rashida Jones seems to be a very pretty lady. I had no idea her father was famed producer Quincy Jones. Her mother must have been hot as hell......When one is an atheist raised by Advise me, baby...Southern Baptists participating in a passover seder with your fiancee's family, try not to switch Israel and Egypt. It doesn't go over well......For my money, a sciatica outbreak is the best way to remind yourself you aren't a teenager anymore. I'm glad I still have some leftover vicodin, but I hope it hasn't expired......Anyone else remember the song "A Deeper Shade of Soul" by Urban Dance Squad? Man that sucked.......The vicodin is kicking in. I can't feel my fingers......I am shocked and saddened by the death of Angels starter Nick Adenhart. But not a deep enough man to then speculate about how the Angels will fare in the Unless you wrestle alligators by day and work as a ninja in space at night, this man is more badass than you. Accept it.first month of the season missing 3/5 of the planned rotation. If I believed in a hell, I would be going there......Hank Williams III is my favorite member of that celebrated country family, if only for his slam on Kid Rock for pretending to to be the heir to the legacy......I may be a godless heathen who hates the troops, but Captain America riding a motorcycle over Nazi lines while his sidekick shoots them with a tommy gun gives me what I can only call a "'F*&K YEAH' hard-on for the USA."......Why are ants with human faces crawling all over my monitor?......I think every Friday is Good, so why is the Roman Catholic Church so big on today? Must be sweeps week......The ants are shrieking accusations at Haiku is an underrated art ever expected Iowa to legalize gay marriage before California, or as I call it "America's Gomorrah?"......Do they still sell Teddy Grahams? I mean, I know Tato Skins are still around......Dixie Carter is a registered Republican that leans Libertarian. Think on that the next time you sit around in your underwear watching a "Designing Women" marathon on We and Julia Sugarbaker gets all Liberal and shit......I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!......I can see why Hugh Laurie's American brother loves this stuff. I feel like I could make rude observations and diagnose the critically ill with aplomb......I'm sleepy. Wolter go bed now.

1. I know that link is technically to the Onion parody of King, but it's almost identical in style to what he wrote.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Shameless Self-Promotion of Sorts

Take that, you Ratzi!
Like watching Hitler getting punched? Then I have just the halfassed side project for you!

I'm hoping that everyone will submit their own examples of Hitler getting punched (send them to HitlerPuncher AT gmail DOT com). I have a small library of pics that I will be gradually releasing on the world, but I need more. Special primacy will be placed on original works of artistic Hitler-Punchery, whether they be cartoons, sketches, photographic recreations, or short literary works.
I will, of course, give credit and/or links where they are due.

Won't you join me in punching Hitler?

P.S. - Artistic skill is not mandatory: I don't care if it's in crayon and done by a five-year-old; I just want to see and hear about Hitler getting punched. And I bet I'm not the only one.

TMS MLB Preview 2009: Iron Maiden

From the Thunder Matt's Saloon archive.

I prefer the powder blue road jerseys.2008 Season: Did not play the game of baseball

SO LONG: Paul Day (V), Dennis Wilcock (V), Dave Sullivan (G), Terry Rance (G), Bob Sawyer (G), Tony Moore (K), Terry Wapram (G), Barry Purkis (D), Doug Samson (D), Paul Di'Anno (V), Paul Cairns (G), Dennis Stratton (G), Clive Burr (D), Blaze Bayley (V)

WELCOME: Nicko McBrain (D, P), Janick Gers (G, BV), Michael Kenney (K-live only)

WELCOME BACK: Bruce Dickinson (V), Adrian Smith (G, BV)

NEVER LEFT: Steve Harris (B, BV, K-In studio), Dave Murray (G)

1. Eddie the Head (M)
2. Dave Murray (G)
3. Bruce Dickinson (V)
4. Nicko McBrain (D, P)
5. Steve Harris (B, BV, K-In studio)
6. Adrian Smith (G)
7. Janick Gers- (G, BV)
8. "You, the Maiden fans! SCREAM FOR ME, LONG BEACH!" (A)
9. Michael Kenney (K-Live)

If they ever traded him, the fans would be devastated.Starting: Probably some lesser act on the revival circuit, like Helloween, or some upstarts like DragonForce
Setup: About 6-7 hours, give or take local load-in times
Closer: Giant robotic Eddie breathes fire during "Running Free"

Well, Maiden has always done what it could to shock and impress fans, and their insistence that they can conquer Major League Baseball as easily as they conquered the New Wave of British Heavy Metal is nothing if not consistent with their storied career.

However, can this aging team of veterans (average age: 53) really take the world of baseball by storm? Sure, Eddie and Dave Murray provide both speed and evil at the top of the lineup, and the 3-4-5 punch of Dickinson, McBrain, and Harris provides finesse, power, and sound fundamentals respectively. But one wonders if they will be able to translate their dominance of metal and hard rock into the dominance of a division, or even parlay that into a Wild Card berth.

As usual, the back of the order is a question mark. Adrian Smith is dependable when he's healthy, but will Janick Gers and Michael Kenney be around at the All-Star break? And will the #8 hitting Maiden Fans be able to "Up the Irons," or will their boss at the Body Shop refuse to let them take off work because he's "Understaffed."

Sure, these doubts plague all teams, but I think it's a safe bet that, given that no member of Iron Maiden has ever even picked up a baseball, that this is not to be their year. Like all expansion teams, they are doomed to mediocrity. However, I am confident in saying that they will finish ahead of the Washington Nationals.

Mr. Sexy Time: Well, there's nothing much sexy about these yobs. But Eddie the Head is still badassed after all these years. So, there you go.

"Keyboards? Really?" Award: Michael Kenney. In a band with THREE guitarists, it's no doubt he doubles as a band technician. I'd be surprised to learn he isn't their "Beer Bitch."

Ugliest Guy in an Ugly, Ugly Band Award: Nicko McBrain. Ugh.

For More Reading
Official Website

Thursday, April 2, 2009

So, yeah...

I can't think of anyone who reads this blog who doesn't know this already, but to all the people who came here looking for pictures of Adam Ant, explanations of Boy George Lyrics, rants about Ghostbusters and/or The Golden Girls, or just some good old fashioned amputee horse porn:

I got engaged last night.

That is all.