And That's A Wrap For Chicago Baseball

Hey, I wrote something halfassed for Exile on Clark Street! Here's a copy of it:

Whoa, there are cobwebs everywhere in here.

So, last night the Twins won, the White Sox lost, and the entire city of Chicago pretty much has let forth a collective "meh." Thankfully, the Bears are starting off solid. And preseason Hockey begins today, so Goreo has something to write about, assuming he's still alive.

I'd like to give some cogent analysis of the whole season, but let's face it: I haven't willingly watched an entire White Sox game since...well since before my last post on here. And, as far as the Cubs are concerned, this season is already being blocked out of my memory. Apparently Charles Darwin made the team and some guy named Kelvin was speared by a bat. Or something. I dunno. Also, the Cubs are apparently being managed by a svelte Michael Chiklis.

It's been a long, strange season. Probably longer and stranger if I had paid attention.

At Least It's the Expos' PR Problem Now...

More EoC archive fun.

Well, it looks like another of my childhood heroes is possibly letting me down.

From the article:

A publicly funded organization that cares for poor and disabled adults is suing Miami baseball legend Andre Dawson, alleging that his family's funeral home business reneged on a deal to provide prepaid memorial services and burials for deceased clients.

One man's corpse lay in limbo for weeks because Dawson's Grace Memorial Funeral Home refused to accept the remains, according to a lawsuit filed Wednesday in Miami-Dade Circuit Court.

Sigh.

I hope this turns out to be groundless. Because this will REALLY break my heart if it's true. The Hawk has always been someone I looked on as a class act. I'd rather be wrong as hell about that Zambrano move than be wrong about this.

Say it ain't so, Hawk. I'm running out of ballplayers to admire.

My Two Minutes of Hate: Lou Piniella

Really, in hindsight everything about this season sucked. Here I am at EoC, still believing that anything could save Zambrano's season.

Zambrano to the bullpen?

GOD.

DAMN.

IT.


This is the stupidest idea in history, Lou.

I'd analyze it further, but you are making me want to punch myself in my own dick for ever following this festering sore of a team. I'm this close to rooting for the Nationals. At least they still have hope.

This is a desperate move by a manager that now seems clueless to me. It can only create ill will with Zambrano, and lower any market value he might have had otherwise.

God, I hate this team.

My Two Minutes of Hate: Jeff Samardzija

God I hate Jeff Samardzija. Here's me hating him in detail. From the EoC archives.

There are times that I ask myself why the hell I'm a Cubs fan. For example: last Monday, 2005, 2006, and every goddamn September. I keep swearing I'm not going to put up with this bullshit anymore. But then I end up missing baseball. I'll say I'll follow another team - some AL team that isn't the White Sox. It never works. I just don't care about any other team. I often hate the team that I love, but I can't give them up. I guess I'm a lifer.

But that doesn't mean I can't give up on players. Oh, I'm really good at that. In the past decade alone I have given up on dozens of players. And the last decade was the best Cubs decade since their peak in the 1930s (I know Will Leitch thinks otherwise, but he is a fucking moron). I can't even imagine the ragedump I would take on the 1950s Cubs.

From Will Ohman to Neifi Perez, from Jacque Jones to Michael Barrett, from Milton Bradley to, well, Milton Bradley like 5 times over again, I have done my part towards wishing if not active death, then career-ending injuries on so many of the players that more Pollyanna-ish fans seem to think I should have faith in. Hell, I even have an arbitrary fatwa out against any Cub named Aaron, after Miles and Heilman stunk up the place so bad last year.

Which brings me to Aaron Samardzija.

Sorry, Jeff Samardzija. Force of habit.

I've been so distracted by other horrid Cubs since the Samad...um...Samardj...er...Smarch...Fuck it. I'm calling him Snork for the rest of this article, because he spells his name like an idiot. Not Shark, because sharks have fucking earned their respect by being emotionless, unstoppable killing machines, like Ted Lilly. No. Jeffy is a fucking Snork. He's just like the Snorks: useless, annoying, and only chicks should like him. Also he's clearly a ripoff of Kyle Farnsworth just like the Snorks were a ripoff of the Goddamn Smurfs. WHICH I ALSO HATED--

I'm...I'm getting...distracted. Sorry. My rage at this mulleted roster-clot is moving from white to blue hot. Let me start that last thought again...

I've been so distracted by other horrid Cubs since the Snork signing in 2007 that I really haven't had the energy to focus my hatred of him into the laserlike efficiency I expect from myself. Until now. His opening day ERA of 108 (no need for the decimals...ONE HUNDRED EIGHT) just confirmed what I have always suspected:

Snork is a huge waste of the Cubs fans' time and the Cubs ownership's money who was signed because he went to Notre Dame and also played football (TWO SPORTS! HE MUST BE GOOD!). That is it. That is all he has going for him. A $10,000,000.00 (LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY ZEROES!) no-trade contract in the 5th round? Man, he must have been really dominant in his final season of college ball. He must have...

Oh, go to hell, world.

A 4.33 ERA and a 1.41 WHIP? That's...unimpressive. At least once he signed to the Cubs, they gave him a chance to season and grow, and didn't...

AAUUUUUGHH!

After mediocre showings in AA and AAA ball, the Cubs called Snork right the hell up, huh? And they did what the Cubs always do when a player comes up and plays decent at first. They decided to stick by him come hell or high water. Even gave him a couple of starts. Let him amass a 7.53 ERA in almost 35 innings. And, being the Cubs, instead of realizing they may have rushed a guy who might never have the skills to be a useful player, and shipping him back down a few levels to give him time to grow, have done what they always do: put him right into the goddamn pen, where he can suck on toast until he has negative trade value, get's DFA'd, or dies after someone mysteriously locks him in a burning barn along with Fontenot and Theriot...

The Snork signing really is emblematic of the shitty scouting, shitty development, and shitty life skills that Cubs upper management has displayed over the past...I dunno...60 years. There was no reason to offer that much money to someone who has shown nothing but Neal Cottsian levels of pissing me the fuck off. No metric I've seen and no independent analyst I've heard or read has said Snork would ever be anything but a journeyman. So what do the Cubs do? GIVE HIM MORE MONEY THAN I WILL PROBABLY EVER SEE IN MY LIFETIME TO PLAY A SPORT HE IS CLEARLY OUTCLASSED IN.

You know what else sucks? Snork looks like one of those pudwhacks in the puka-shell necklaces that listened to a ton of DMB in college, pulled tail like you wouldn't believe, and called you fucking "brah." And this website really does nothing to disabuse me of that notion (the flaming baseball in the picture is misleading - that's actually a Pujols-hit comebacker rocketing at his smug chad face).

Do I want to see Snork pitching less for the Cubs? Ultimately, yes. If by less, you mean never. But until that day comes, I hope that Lou drops his ass in every single Cubs blowout loss, and only in those blowout losses. Then I hope he leaves Snork's shaggy, sub-Novoa corpse out there for a minimum of 250 pitches. Pitch him until his fucking arm pops off at the elbow and flies into the crowd. And whoever catches that bloody stump wins a free dinner from Harry Caray's. On me. It would be worth it.

Then, trade him to the Reds, or whatever team Dusty Baker is running into the ground at that point.

In conclusion,

Chicago Cubs: stop wasting money on untalented choads because idiot Notre Dame fans will spend money on green jerseys emblazoned with any chuzzlewit alum that happens to draw an MLB paycheck.

Cubs Fans: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ENCOURAGE THE CUBS BY BUYING THOSE JERSEYS.

Snork: cut your fucking hair, quit playing fucking baseball, and maybe you could go to the NFL, where hopefully you will have your spine split in two in the first preseason game. Otherwise, stay the hell out of any barns in the greater Chicagoland era...I hear they're mighty flammable and often lock from the outside...mysteriously.

2010 Season Preview: Cincinnati Reds

More Exile on Clark stuff.

CINCINNATI REDS

2009: 78-84 (4th)

So Long: IF Danny Richar, OF Willy Taveras, IF Adam Rosales
Welcome: OF Josh Anderson, P Jose Arredondo, SS Orlando Cabrera, 2B Miguel Cairo, P Aroldis Chapman, 2B Aaron Miles

Projected Starting Lineup (courtesy of rototimes.com)
1. Drew Stubbs, CF
2. Orlando Cabrera, SS
3. Joey Votto, 1B
4. Brandon Phillips, 2B
5. Scott Rolen, 3B
6. Jay Bruce, RF
7. Ramon Hernandez, C
8. Chris Dickerson/Wladimir Balentien

Rotation - Aaron Harang, Bronson Arroyo, Johnny Cueto, Homer Bailey, Matt Maloney, (Aroldis Chapman)
Setup - Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset
Closer - Francisco Cordero

An admission: I had all the best intentions of getting this bad-boy out by last Friday (when it was scheduled to be put up), but my non-EoC life took me by the metaphorical balls and twisted. Then, when I finally sat down to write this, I saw that somehow Bronson Arroyo is considered a #2 caliber starter and had to fight to keep my brain from exploding like John Cassavetes at the end of The Fury.

Once my cerebellum stopped trying to eject itself out of the back of my head, I took a cold hard look at this team. And it...really doesn't seem that bad. I mean, they've got a lot of decent young players like Votto and Bruce, and several vetarans that could still have some degree of ability left in the tank (assuming 35-year-old Scott Rolen's 87-year-old spine doesn't start acting its age, for example). I don't think they're amazing, mind you. But this is the NL Central. Pretty much any team (except the Pirates) could probably put together a run while the other teams are slumping and sneak into the postseason.

But god help them, they might have some problems with pitching. While checking on this team's roster, I spotted this article, which kind of points out that they play in a bandbox, and have a mostly flyball-focused rotation. Good luck on keeping balls in the park, guys. Especially after Dusty Baker has you all tossing 155 pitches a game.

I expect the Reds to hover around .500 this year, and maybe even post a winning season if they get a lot of breaks going their way. And frankly, as a Cubs fan, I think that's more than they deserve.

PRESEASON AWARDS

If this team were a disease/ailment it would be: Addison's Disease. This insidious disease creeps slowly up on the sufferer, usually a member of the starting rotation, normally beginning with fatigue, dizziness, weakness, joint and muscle pain, and an inability to stand up. I believe it's name comes from where it was first sighted, at 1060 W. Addison in Chicago, between 2003-2006.

The "Mark Prior Award For the Player Most Effectively Destroyed By Dusty Baker": Gotta go with Aaron Harang. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like ever since Dusty brought him in to pitch four innings of relief on two days rest, he's gone from a "potential ace" to a "not too shabby pitcher." There's still plenty of time for him to go from there to "AA Pitching Coach."

The "Was It Worth Breaching the Embargo?" Award: Aroldis Chapman. A rumored 102-mph fastball, a decent slider, and a change-up that...exists, combined with control problems? Interesting gamble. Is he a superlative version of Carlos Marmol, or a Farnsworth that knows how to get his hands on some really good Robustos?

Is This Really the Best The Cubs Can Do?

EoC archives.

Last night, while working late no less, I learned that Lou has made up his mind that Ryan "The Ryan" Theriot is going to be the Cubs official, no-turning-back leadoff hitter this year. I was too furious to think straight at first, so instead of posting a string of unrelated swears, I let myself sleep on it.

Having given it some thought, I'm not so much furious as just sort of confused, wistful, and sad.

Now I'm not a total stats expert. I don't really understand the high end stuff. But I do know enough to know that the leadoff hitter's job (as the man on the team with the most plate appearances per season) is to get on base for the next couple of hitters to move him over. By hook or by crook, if the leadoff hitter is doing his job right, he should be sitting on first at the end of his at bat, and (depending on his teammates) crossing home before the end of the inning. So, need #1 of a good leadoff hitter is a high .OBP. Theriot's isn't too bad. It's also not outstanding, either. His career average of .356 is decent, but I'd be a lot happier with someone hovering at least around .380.

Moving along (and this is where I really, really get annoyed): a lot of people judge a leadoff hitter by how many bases he steals. Well, no one on the Cubs steals worth a damn. Theriot's 21 last year led the team, with second place being 9 - by Alfonso Soriano, a man whose legs were replaced by al dente linguine some time mid-season. However, just putting a guy in leadoff because he has the most steals is asinine when those 21 steals were achieved in 31 attempts. That's a success rate of less than 70%. That means failure in the school district I came out of. And THAT was in SOUTH FRICKING CAROLINA.

In my opinion, the #2 skill of a good leadoff hitter is to STAY ALIVE ON THE BASEPATHS UNTIL HE CROSSES HOME PLATE. What the hell is the point of putting a guy on base if a full third of his stolen base attempts are poorly conceived and just send him right back to the dugout? Theriot -- and I apologize to Sarah Palin in advance -- is retarded on the basepaths. He doesn't throw the pitcher off his rhythm, because he's not scary to them. All he does is waste my fucking cheers for his at-bat by making it another meaningless single. I highly doubt many of those 21 steals were game-changers, and I'm pretty sure the ten times he was sent packing were mostly meaningless as well - except for, you know, losing a baserunner and one of only 27 chances to bring another hitter to the plate.

My confusion was caused by the fact that taking all of the above into account, Lou locked Theriot down in this position in the order. I'm not saying Lou won't change his mind later in the season, but why not think about this a little more now, before the goddamn games count?

My wistfulness and sadness is caused by the fact that really there aren't a lot of tremendously better options. But there is at least one that might work a little better: platoon leadoff. Because of, you know...lefty-righty splits?

You see, despite his disappointing performance so far and his ridiculous windmill strikeouts, there is one Cub who really gets on base well against right-handers: Kosuke Fukudome. The 'Dome had an .OBP of .387 against northpaws last year. That's like...a good leadoff hitter's .OBP (as opposed to Theriot's almost Soriano-esque .339). Of course, against the sinister, he had a sub-Soriano .299 .OBP, so you definitely don't want Fuku facing anyone who had to use those weird padded scissors in elementary school. But...and here's the interesting thing...Ryan Theriot gets on at a .361 clip against lefties. Much better. Not amazing, but not embarassing.

So my one, very humbly delivered suggestionto the Cubs this year: why not try the following in leadoff this year:

1. Put Fukudome at the top of the order against right-handers, and slide Theriot down a bit.
2. Put "Ther Iot" in leadoff against left-handers, and slide Kosuke WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY down the lineup.
3. DO NOT EVER GIVE THERIOT THE GREEN LIGHT TO STEAL. EVER. If you have to, install a shock collar that delivers a few hundred volts every time he starts "giving second the glad eye" at a bad time.

See? Nothing too revolutionary. Just a slight tweak. Let's see how that plays out before just handing out at bats to a decent, but not awesome hitter, ok?

2010 Season Preview: San Francisco Giants

The Exile on Clark archives continue:

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

2009: 88-74 (3rd)

So Long: 1B Rich Aurilia, 1B Ryan Garko, P Bob Howry, P Randy Johnson (retired), P Noah Lowry, P Brad Penny, P Merkin Valdez, OF Randy Winn

Welcome: OF Mark DeRosa, 1B Aubrey Huff, P Guillermo Mota, P Horacio Ramirez, P Todd Wellemeyer

Projected Starting Lineup (courtesy of rototimes.com)
1. Aaron Rowand, CF
2. Freddy Sanchez, 2B
3. Pablo Sandoval, 3B
4. Bengie Molina, C
5. Aubrey Huff, 1B
6. Mark DeRosa, LF
7. Nate Schierholtz, RF
8. Edgar Renteria, SS

Rotation - Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Barry Zito, Jonathan Sanchez, Madison Bumgarner
Setup - Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo
Closer - Brian Wilson

Well, after a solid year of therapy, I am once again reminded of the existance of the NL West, and the hated Giants. I've been working on some deep breathing exercises and taking medication, so hopefully, I will not accidentally make this entire post about my hatred of Will Clark this time.

Okay: time to man up and admit I sorta lost track of the Giants mere moments after hitting the "Publish Post" button last year (though to be fair it only took about 4 months for me to stop watching the Cubs, a team I actually give a damn about). So I will check the internet and see what it has to say. Back in a moment.























Okay, I'm back. Sorry about the delay; I totally got caught up in some youtube video of Christoph Waltz doing the TROLOLOLOLOL guy.

Apparently, according to the internet their publicity stunt of hiring a panda to play third base has worked out surprisingly well, they somehow managed to put a stake in Randy Johnson's heart, and Brian Wilson is following up his critically acclaimed Smile album with some decent closing work. I'm stunned, but apparently they had a winning record last year. But then again, I'm stunned the west coast actually has baseball and that almost every other EOC writer actually cares about soccer, so my "stunned threshold" might be low.

Of course, once again Brian Sabean's strategy of "surrounding the best player in baseball with a team of basically solid-to-below-average players" is probably going to tank slightly, as Barry Bonds used up all the available steroids already. And once again, no one in the organization seems to have a problem with putting out a cleanup hitter with only a bit of power, almost no ability to discern the strike zone, and who would be hard pressed to outrun Jabba the Hutt to first.

As far as pitching goes, Tim Lincecum can get as stoned as he wants with the stuff he has. And Cain is solid. But, to paraphrase the old line, it's "Lincecum and Cain, and pray for rain." Zito, Sanchez, and Bumgarner all project to be fair to middling starters this year. The bullpen looks decent enough, but my research on this consisted of 28 seconds on Fangraphs, so don't hold me to it.

Oh, and they rolled the dice with Aaron Rowand leading off again this year. Let's see what happens. My guess: he'll be average-to-disappointing. He's 48 years old (okay, 33 - what do I have to do math now?) and his OBP was only .319 last year. Eh. Not as bad as putting Molina in cleanup, I guess.

PRESEASON AWARDS

If this team were a disease/ailment it would be: Lingering Bursitis. This team just sits there: crawling along painfully, never dying, but never really going anywhere (Okay, I totally shoehorned that in to make a lame, semi-esoteric TMS reference, but at least I didn't just use Erectile Dysfunction again. Yet).

The "Do They Have Trixies In San Fran?" Award: Mark DeRosa. Oh, he'll put up solid, journeyman numbers this year, but will the aging supersub win the hearts and minds of the people who don't really come to the ballpark to watch the games? Only time will tell.

The "Kenny Lofton Memorial Team Loyalty"Award: Edgar Renteria. Starting a SECOND CONSECUTIVE SEASON with the same team? Kudos, Edgar. Not sure why people still allow you to play shortstop, or (for that matter) professional baseball. But kudos, nonetheless.

Oh, and Will Clark: why haven't you died in a fire yet?

Milton, It's Not Chicago That Wants You To Choke On Your Own Tongue...

...it's ME.

According to professional whiner and overpaid bench jockey Milton Bradley:

"Two years ago, I played, and I was good," he said. "I go to Chicago, not good. I've been good my whole career. So, obviously, it was something with Chicago, not me."

He then goes on to bloviate:

"Just no communication," he said. "I never hit more than 22 homers in my career, and all of a sudden I get to Chicago and they expect me to hit 30. It doesn't make sense. History tells you I'm not going to hit that many. Just a lot of things that try to make me a player I'm not."

Yeah, well Milton, all I personally expected from you was a great OBP, some decent pop to your bat, and for you to be less of a shitsouled headcase than LaTroy Hawkins.

You let me down on all three counts, you neurotic bag of human garbage. I hope you hit worse than Aaron Miles next year and then try to accuse racist Seattle fans of running your kid out of daycare. At least OJ had a Hall of Fame Career and some Naked Gun movies under his belt before he played the race card. And that was to keep from frying like a Hendry breakfast doughnut for a double homicide, not to explain away getting paid more than the GNP of Poland to play half a season of Todd-Zeile-level baseball.

I hope when you're finally run out of the league and have to play in Japan, Matt Murton beats you death with a shovel. Seriously. How can you be so hateful that Carlos FUCKING Silva suddenly seems worth it?

This was, of course, an Exile on Clark Street archival entry.

1979 Season Preview: Oakland Athletics

Thunder Matt's Saloon was renamed and repurposed as Exile on Clark Street for the 2010 Season. This is the first archived post after the change.

I still technically write for EoC, but like most writers, I seem to be on hiatus. Damn this team for sucking so bad.

Note: We here at EOC made the mistake of assigning some team reviews to Wolter, not realizing that he barely even pays attention to the Cubs, much less Ban Johnson's upstart "American League." Also, he's hung up on the past. One year in particular. When told his review was 31 years out-of-date, he snarled "what I say stands." So here we go:

Oakland Athletics

1978: 69-93 (6th in AL West)

So Long: P Pete Broberg, DH Rico Carty, P Steve Renko, C Bruce Robinson, P Elias Sosa

Welcome: P Dave Hamilton, P Jim Todd

Projected Starting Lineup
1. Glenn Burke, LF
2. Miguel Dilone, RF
3. Mitchell Page, DH
4. Jeff Newman, C
5. Dave Revering, 1B
6. Mike Edwards, 2B
7. Tony Armas, CF
8. Mickey Klutts, 3B
9. Rob Picciolo, SS

Rotation - Rick Langford, Matt Keough, Mike Norris, John Henry Johnson
Setup - Jim Todd, Bob Lacey
Closer - Dave Heaverlo

Hoo boy... The A's have been stinking up the Bay Area ever since Charley Finley began dismantling his powerhouse team 3 seasons ago in 1976. Long gone are legendary players like Reggie Jackson, Catfish Hunter, Rollie Fingers, Vida Blue, and Sal Bando. In their place are a bunch of washed up losers and "never was"es.

Frankly, if the A's want to get the kids out of the discoteques and off the Galaxian games, they're going to have to play exciting, purposeful baseball. Right now, there are literally only hundreds of people showing up to A's games. And who can blame their fans for leaving in droves. What kind of masochist would want to see a team that's clearly assembled out of the rejects from other teams' farm systems because their cheapskate owner won't pay for a real star? If I were an author, I could do worse than write the story of Charley Finley's destruction of this team. I'd call it "Moneyed Ball," because he's too concerned with holding on to his money than building a winning team.

The one bright spot on this team, in my opinion, is left field. Really, the whole future of the organization rests here. Glenn Burke is a gamer, a cultural touchstone ( his celebratory "high five" is sweeping the nation), and I think this is his year. He's got grit, determination, and plays the game the right way (and the ladies love him). If Finley cares at all about winning, he'll lock Burke down to a long term contract, and trade away a minor leaguer, maybe that brash young hothead Rickey Henderson, for some decent starting pitching. You already have some speed with Burke (15 bases last year!), and Mike Edwards and Mitchell Page could easily combine for 50 bases. And it's not like Henderson could top that, no matter how speedy he is.

All in all, this is a weak team, but I doubt they could be worse than last year. That would be as unthinkable as George Lucas making a bad movie!

PRESEASON AWARDS

If this team were a disease/ailment it would be: Alzheimers. It's like they forgot how to be a good club just a handful of seasons after being considered a dynasty. At this point they'd either need to pump their players full of performance enhancing drugs, or hire some super-genius GM with some sort of slide rule or "personal home computer" (if such a thing existed) just to make this team win.

The "Man I'd Most Like to Hire" Award: Backup catcher Jim Essian. He's such a strong presence behind the plate, he'd no doubt be a great skipper one day. But is Major League Baseball ready for an Armenian manager?

The "Third Time's The Charm" Award: The entire Oakland infield. Did you know the Oakland A's (Despite their current nickname, The Triple A's) have yet to have a triple play since moving West? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that there's no way this team lets the 70s end without getting at least 3!

Cubs Condemned By Church Group

From the Thunder Matt's Saloon archive.

After learning that the Chicago National League Base-Ball Club signed Chad Tracy to a minor league contract, the National Council of Churches condemned the organization for ethical transgressions.

According to an NCC spokesperson, the Chicago Cubs were guilty of "playing God," when they combined the DNA of poor fielding former Cub and Ginger Spokesmodel Matt Murton with the DNA of poor hitting former Cub and War Criminal Aaron Miles, to create an amalgamation that "stands as a mockery to the laws of both Nature and Our Lord. An OPS of .695 on a man whose primary position is first base is nothing short of Sinful."

The Cubs fired back with a press release, which began: "Dude, the guy was a pretty good hitter a few years ago. Give us a damn break," and concluded "it's not like God has done any favors for us up to now."

Cubs Sign Marlon Byrd

I don't really have much to say about this, other than: "It's come to this? This is the major signing we were waiting for?"

http://sports.espn.go.com/chicago/mlb/news/story?id=4785125

This offseason blows.

This was another TMS archive. In hindsight, I'm glad Byrd was signed. I like him. But, in hindsight, I had no idea just how BAD the 2010 Cubs would be.

Addition by Subtraction

TMS archive #something-or-other

I usually hate that term. But I just had to pop in to say good riddance. According to ESPN Chicago, the Cubs have traded Aaron Miles and Jake Fox for some prospects. It's a Holiday Miracle!

I mean, don't get me wrong, Jake Fox has a decent bat, but he was a worse fielder than this site's namesake.

And more importantly, with this move the 2010 Cubs will be AARON FREE!


2010 update: don't know why I bothered moving this over. Inertia, I guess. At any rate, the 2010 Cubs found plenty of ways to suck without Aarons...

Wolter's Random Braindump, Vol 40

Some assorted thoughts on this fine Thursday:

Through a combination of extremely bad planning and wretched tiredness, I missed the World Series opener. However, I guessed the outcome solely by noticing the lack of psychotically pro-Yankee facebook status updates from friends of mine who have no business rooting for that team. Nobody's louder than a Yankees fan when they win, and nobody changes the subject faster than a Yankees fan when they lose. I'm hoping for a sweep.

On that note, while I think it's good for the Series to have a villain, there is nothing I want more than for the Cubs to have more 21st century WS wins than the Yankees. Anyone who wishes otherwise is insane at best, and at worst, a traitor to the human race.

I haven't done any sophisticated analysis on the TMS 2009 baseball predictions, but I believe this entry wins the award for Most Completely Correct Prediction in History.

"The 97 mph fastball was long gone, the aura and mystique had faded, and he was fighting to prove his ability to merely contribute. The former Cy Young ace was now a conjurer, a Merlin of the mound, hoping his knowledge, guile, and a little bit of smoke and mirrors was enough to make it back to the Show.

"Sadly, I don't think it was."

"The box score will say Pedro didn't do that badly, giving up one hit, hitting a batter, and striking out one. But great change-up aside, I'd say his tank is empty."

"... I wouldn't be surprised if Sunday was the last day of Pedro Martinez's brilliant baseball career."

This is the exact sort of predictive skill one would expect from a writer for a blog named after future Hall of Famer Matthew Henry Murton.

Sadly, it looks like I'm missing tonight's game due to a prior engagement, but I really hope Pedro sticks it to the Yankees all over again. It would be so very, very sweet.

Part of the bad planning mentioned above was an unscheduled trip to the Apple Store with my fiancee and her mother to help her with a PC-to-Mac switchover. This, in itself isn't hard. I've actually done it twice now. But the Best Buy employee that originally backed up her PC files did a number on it. Let me tell you this: I'm not a computer guy, so I love Macs. I love iPods. I really love my iPhone. But two-and-a-half hours in an Apple Store is a form of almost Lovecraftian horror. Nothing makes sense after about a half-hour, and by the 2nd hour sinister forces beyond your comprehension begin to reveal themselves to you. On the plus side, the wi-fi was free.

I have decided not to include pictures in this blog post. Why? Because I hate you, the reader.

Behind the scenes at TMS, we spend a lot of time deciding to whom we give support, and from whom we take it away. There have been some rumblings that we must no longer support Wanda Sykes (which surprised me, because I didn't even see her name on the TMS Support Whiteboard). Brant Brown has offered the following evidence for the prosecution:

"The promotional spots for her new Saturday night talk show on FOX have become a painful nuisance on our otherwise peaceful Sunday NFL and MLB viewing. What is really expected here? The Wanda Sykes Show will air at 11:00 p.m. Sure it will get a half-hour jump start on Saturday Night Live, but let's be serious: no one watches late night television on Saturdays anymore. Conan is struggling to regain his predecessor's ratings numbers on weeknights, and Leno is living his own Bad Idea Jeans commercial at a "gimme" 10:00 p.m. slot.

"Will people DVR her show and watch it later? C'mon, would you DVR it? Our DVRs as a nation are so backlogged with Top Chef and Ice Road Truckers episodes that we'll never get to Wanda.

"The bottom line is that there is no incentive to watch The Wanda Sykes Show. Don't get us wrong, she's not a hack like George Lopez. It's just that her style of comedy really works when it is untethered, but it will be difficult to translate to network television. While we applaud her good fortune, we can no longer support her entertainment endeavors.

Even playing Devil's Advocate, I can only come up with the following Lionel Hutzian defense:

"Well, she was funny in her segments on Dr. Katz"

Ok, I don't really hate you, the reader. I was just being cranky. I think I need a nap. And some cheap scotch.

Apparently, the Cubs are considering leaving their spring home in Mesa, Arizona if they are not granted new facilities. If so, they would move right near the tip of America's Dong, Florida. Naples, to be precise. While this sort of thing doesn't move me too deeply, it has long been my policy to support the destruction of Florida, and everything it stands for. Except for quality Death Metal and Space Mountain, everything Florida has given to this nation has disappointed me mightily. Wait. Even Space Mountain is kind of blah. Well, at least they have Atheist. I'd rant more about how much Florida sucks politically, but I usually leave our radical liberal agenda to resident TMS Communard, Arcturus.

On a final note: I will be celebrating Halloween this year, the same way I always do - sitting alone in the dark, drinking cheap scotch, and listening to the Misfits. Feel free to do the same.

Hervé Villechaize Named New Cubs Hitting Coach

A filler, no killer from TMS.

Well, yesterday was Wednesday, so that can mean only one thing: time for the Cubs to hire a new hitting coach.

We could see it coming. Anemic bats and a lackluster offense piss a fan base off to no end, so Jim Hendry did the one thing a good GM does to revive flagging run production: through a series of intelligent trades and smart free agent signings, he picked up some patient hitters with good power to...even I can't finish this sentence.

No, he did what Jim Hendry does: he changed coaches. Again. And this time, he did it in a spectaculary Hendrian way: a long term contract.

At first I was stunned that Hendry chose Hervé Villechaize for such a demanding position. I mean the man's main claim to fame is playing the lovable Tattoo from television's Fantasy Island, a show I'm pretty sure I watched as a very small child, but have no concrete memories of other than it gave Khan a chance to dress like Sonny Crockett. Of course, I mainly remember him as Nick Nack from the exquisitely awful Roger Moore Bond flick, The Man With the Golden Gun.

And while I'm aware that the entertainment industry has a long tradition of casting little people in major motion pictures (including such luminaries as Billy Bardy, Verne Troyer, Peter Dinklage, and Tom Cruise), baseball hasn't really followed suit (with the notable exceptions of Eddie Gaedel and Mike Fontenot).

I'm sure some think this signing is a tip of the cap to the late, great Bill Veeck, and a belated acknowledgement that the Cubs haven't really been a worthwhile franchise since a Veeck ran the show on the North Side. But I beg to differ.

First, the Cubs aren't so completely awful and low-attended that the fans need distractions to come to the ballpark. Yet. And Villechaize is a native Frenchman. Baseball has long had problems with Francophonic peoples, culminating in the near-30-year flirtation with Montreal baseball, an affair that ended in such an ugly manner than the team ended up moving to Washington, a city whose reputation for baseball suckitude was so widespread that even musical theatre types know it.

No. I know what this move is.

Pure Dada.

The Cubs have tried making coherent plans to win a World Series in the past. Clearly, they aren't good at that. At all.

No, they're shaking things up by challenging the notions of narrative and sense in public discourse. They're tapping into the unconscious, anti-reasoning dark side of human nature and making a comment to the sporting world that chaos and irrationality are the only solution to a rationalistic world that has led to global wars, corporate greed, and the continued existence of Aaron Miles.

And I, for one, salute this new avante-garde team. For too long have Cubs fans tried to make sense of the myriad asinine moves made by assorted front offices. Why not push it all the way, defying all sequential thought and causality? Why not sign a bitter, angry alcoholic, French midget to teach a team of multimillionaire atheletes how to hit?

Whoa. It turns out Villechaize has been dead for 16 years. GENIUS!

My cap is doffed to you, Hendr--what? Hold on a sec.

Oh. My mistake.

The Cubs actually signed former Texas hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo.

I guess that makes a lot more sense. He's had a hell of a lot more baseball experience. Assuming that the Cubs are planning on moving in the outfield walls, juicing like a Tropicana factory, and swinging for the stars, I support this move wholeheartedly.

So yeah...sorry about wasting your time. I really shouldn't have tried to do cogent analysis when I stopped following baseball in July. Next week, I'll write about Iron Maiden or post-punk or the hilarious results of teen pregnancy.

P.S. - God, I still hate Aaron Miles so much.

Mathematical Elimination Fever - CATCH IT!

TMS archive again.

Well, that was fun, huh?

You didn't have fun this season? Yeah, me neither.

To be honest, I haven't watched a lot of Cubs baseball lately. For the same reason I don't hang around the oncology ward of my local hospital. Tending to the slow wasting away of a reasonably promising team is not my ideal plan to spend the fleeting Chicago summer.

Which is not to say I didn't have nagging fears about this season. After compiling what was probably the best Cubs team of my lifetime in 2008, Hendry did so very little in the offseason. How was I to know that even the little he did was awful?

I'm not going to go into detail about all the wretched ways the 2008 Cubs were dismantled (other than to say that I had no beef with getting rid of DeRosa, provided the Cubs received more than a bucket of goddamn baseballs - which they did not). I'm just going to make a quiet list of the things that annoyed me about this season, with the hope that a few of them could be rectified:

The addition of Aarons to the roster.

The addition of roughly 78 pounds of pot tits to Geovany Soto's frame.

The annual jerk-around deal that doesn't happen. At least this year it was Jake Peavy Watch, and not year three of Brian Roberts Watch.

The fact that I was under the assumption that the DeRosa trade was part of a master plan to trade for someone like Peavy.

The fact that I assumed ANYTHING was actually part of a master plan on anyone's part in the front office.

Aaron Miles.

The loss of franchise face Kerry Wood combined with the meatheads who failed to notice how awful he did in Cleveland. Both a kick to my emotions and my brain.

The way the same meatheads turned on Zambrano, as if this team has another #1 starter.

The ongoing love affair that this fanbase has with mediocre gritlings like Ryan Theriot and Sam Fuld.

Aaron Fucking Miles. Have I mentioned him yet? Or Heilman? What about him?

Kevin Gregg's Extra Chromosome: Closer

The fact that Derrek Lee's production seems to be inversely proportional to the production of his teammates. God, if he played for the Nats this year he'd be hitting .460 with 98 home runs.

Everything about the Milton Bradley debacle. EVERYTHING. Everyone one every side and every statement ever made on it should be scoured out of our collective brains.

The loss of the Z-stache. I'm pretty sure that was the beginning of the end.

Aaron Miles. 'Nuff Said.

I've never looked forward to football and hockey so much in my life.

My Sad Little Life: A Recap

Thunder Matt fun for the whole family!

What's been going on in my brain of late:

Thunder Matt has been DFA'd in Colorado, yet no one will pull the trigger on the AArons here. Hendry, I'm looking in your Huttesque direction.

Apparently Crane Kenney is still going to be president of the Cubs under the Ricketts regime. Meet the New Boss. Literally and With No Exaggeration, Same as the Old Boss.

Despite my best attempts to defend him from the more emotional and strident Cubs fans I know, Milton Bradley insists on being a temperamental prick. At least he's making contact, finally.

Wednesday's 9-4 win has done NOTHING to wash the stain of the 15-6 loss to the Nats on Tuesday. I thought I had given up on this team before, but AAron Heilman coughing up the Grand Slam will go down in the history books as the exact moment I stopped giving a tin shit about the 2009 Cubs. And I'm better for it.

I'm up to page 190 on Mason & Dixon. Some really beautiful writing on the relationship between fathers and sons and the nature of love, longing, grief, and duty. Not nearly enough talking clocks, though.

My fiancee is out of town for four days starting tonight, which means the meals I cook are less in the area of "a small portion of cooked fish and a salad with homemade vinaigrette," and more along the lines of "steak, tater tots, and scotch." It also means I may have a heart attack by Friday.

On the subject of Steak:

A) My cut was pretty cheap, but I marinated the living hell out of it. With coffee. It was pretty decent.

B) I also made gravy. Because I am southern. It was awesome.

On the subject of Tater Tots:

A) Much like Wayne Newton with pasta, I always make too much.

B) If you are going to bake them (because, like me, you don't want to start a grease fire in your hovel), for god's sake, broil them for a couple of minutes or they're really just soggy potato lumps.

C) Though they run the risk of moving into Overrated territory, I love that Tater Tots are showing up on a lot of local bar menus. They are great drunk food.

On the subject of Scotch:

A) I like it.

B) A lot.

On the subject of Holy Shit, This Is Rad:

A) Holy shit, this is rad.

Repeated viewings of Bridezillas with said fiancee over the past few weeks (which is doing wonders for my masculinity, let me tell you) have led me to the conclusion that Women Must Be Stopped. Honestly. It seems like half of these cows are only getting married so they can treat their best friends like slaves for a few weeks.

Within hours of declaring that I was arbitrarily supporting West Ham United FC (though not actually watching soccer, as it bores me to tears) for the sole reason that Steve Harris of Iron Maiden is a huge fan, their supporters got into a riot with Millwall supporters. Which delights me to no end, because while I don't really care about soccer, I really love hooliganism.

It turns out none of the things I've had to say have moved me enough to write a full blog entry. So you get these dregs. Hope you're happy.

Oh, and instead of watching the Cubs game tonight, I watched a couple of Simpsons DVDs. It was the most fun I've had during a ballgame all year. I can only assume the fact that my apathy has hit full swing will make the Cubs a team of winners. You're welcome.

War Criminal: 2009 Cubs Named Aaron

Some good hate in this TMS archive post.

Ugh. I hate you, 2009 Cubs Named Aaron.

I hate you so much that it’s beginning to impair my judgment.

When I see one of your names in a lineup, or a box score, or on the back of a jersey in the bullpen, I seethe with a rage I used to reserve for Will Ohman. 2009 Cubs Named Aaron, you are worse than tuberculosis, kitten drowning, and a Sex and the City marathon combined. If you had a collective neck, and this neck was lying in front of me, I would step on it and twist. I hope to one day eat a delicious McRib while watching you choke on a tightly compacted ball of cilantro and my own bile.

Aaron Heilman, you aren’t even the closer and you have blown SIX saves. If you aren’t leading the league in that, you’re damn close. And I’m beginning to think that if we called Doug Dascenzo up, he could do better than a WHIP of 1.55. Before you start trying to defend yourself, remember that your league-slightly-below-average ERA+ of 98 certainly does not make up for the fact that your face reminds me of Todd Hollandsworth, whom I have no nostalgia for (though I bet HE wouldn’t shit the bed as badly in leverage situations).

Aaron Miles? I don’t give a crap what Arcturus says, because even he knows the truth. You are a War Criminal. You have never grown on me. Not even in the sense of a fungus. I know I should be all stats-nerdy, but the fact that you are about 2 more bad games away from hitting my weight says all I need to know, you sub-Mendoza water baby.

Is it entirely within the realm of reality for Jim Hendry to find a second baseman that doesn’t meet any of the following 3 criteria?

1. Is too short to ride the Cyclone on Coney Island.
2. Can grow a douchey beard between innings.
3. Sucks.

Because you meet all three, you slap-hitting Travelocity gnome.

Holy crap, I just checked your OPS. I think the damn gnome could have done better than .489. Hell, on further inspection, your career OPS makes me long for the heady days of Neifi Perez. I’m beginning to think Bobby Scales actually SHOULD be up in the Big Show instead of what I can only assume is a Cardinals sleeper agent.

Clearly, the “AA” in “2009 Cubs Named Aaron” is a hint. Ship these fools to the Smokies, and leave them there.

P.S. I’ve got my eye on you, “Aaron” Samardzija.

Press Release: TMS Was Right To Endorse Wells

More TMS archive folderol.

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

Thunder Matt’s Saloon Was Right To Endorse Wells

Chicago, IL – July 29, 2009

After 8 solid innings of shutout ball, giving up only 6 hits and walking 2, TMS's July 16th endorsement of Randy Wells has thus far proven to be "right on, bitches," in the words of an anonymous TMS staffer.

This staffer then went on to call Wells "Nails. Totally f@cking nails, bro."

Mr. Wells himself remains unavailable for comment, no doubt because he is to busy kicking ass and taking names.

Contact:
Press Secretary
c/o Thunder Matt’s Saloon
Chicago, IL and Parts Unknown
TMS RSS Feed
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TMS Guest Blogger

Press Release: TMS Endorses Wells

TMS archive.

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

Thunder Matt’s Saloon Endorses Wells

Chicago, IL – July 16, 2009

The following is a transcript of the speech delivered by TMS Bartender “Wolter” this morning (annotated with hyperlinks, and edited to be printable):

“Thank you all for coming. I’m here today to talk about a matter near and dear to my heart: the Chicago Cubs.

“Given the poor quality of the Cubs’ offense in the current season, it has been a temptation to say that “This whole damn team sucks,” and indeed many Cubs fans and TMS bartenders alike have joined in iterating some variation on that theme.”

[Wolter pauses for a moment, clutching the podium with white knuckles and mutters something that sounds like "Sori-f@ckin'-a55h0le."]

“However, this fails to take into account the bright spot of this year. The anemic offense (God, has that cliché ever been more accurate) is at least being offset by the solid, and occasionally brilliant starting pitching. As much of a “f@cking nutpunch” (per a high-ranking TMS insider) it is to lose close, low-scoring games, at least the Cubs are not being utterly annihilated in the field, like the residents of ”NATSTOWN!”

“One of the linchpins of this rotation is the surprisingly competent rookie, Randy Wells. Once thought by many Cubs commentators, including this speaker, to be a career Quadruple-A player (much as the namesake of The Saloon is sadly turning into), by picking up a surprisingly devastating “Slutter” (a slider/cutter hybrid that just defeated the "Slurve" to become the Best-Named Pitch in Baseball History), Wells may even garner some votes for Rookie of the Year (like first ballot HoFer Jerome Walton…).”

[Wolter coughs nervously.]

“Moving on…

“Wells, like pre-sex change Rich Harden last year [Note: Harden’s agent will neither confirm, nor deny, Mr. Wolter’s assessment], has been the victim of a few atrociously bad offensive games which have kept his W-L record from being particularly impressive”

[Wolter balls hands into fists and smashes them into podium]

“Can we please agree, as thinking people, that wins are as meaningless a stat as “holds” and move on with our lives?

[Wolter again coughs, and an unnamed TMS intern approaches the podium nervously. Wolter waves him off]

“I can do this. If you look at Wells’ performance, he is pitching damn well. In 81 innings, he has an ERA of 2.55, with about six K’s per nine, and only about 2 walks. His WHIP is is like 1.1, and most importantly…seriously guys…his slider is sickhouse.

“In conclusion, I have been authorized by the Powers That Be at TMS to give Randy Wells our blog’s official support. May God have mercy on his soul.”

[Wolter pauses for applause, then realizes he has been delivering this speech standing on his desk, alone, in an empty office.]

“Holy crap. This cold medicine is awesome…”

Mr. Wells has not yet commented on this announcement.

Contact:
Press Secretary
c/o Thunder Matt’s Saloon
Chicago, IL and Parts Unknown
TMS RSS Feed
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TMS Hellspawn

###

A Very Modest Proposal That Most People Probably Don't Agree With

TMS archive, folks.


The All-Star Game Sucks. Get rid of it.

I should probably say more on this subject.

St. Louis sucks. Get rid of it.

Ok, I'll elaborate on both of these notions.

First: St. Louis, you couldn't get any classier if you assigned monocles to every single bemulleted Jorts-wearer in St. Louis County. Booing Ted Lilly? Classless. Booing the sitting president? Seditious. Cheering the former president louder than any other, despite the fact that man-ape ran the country about as well as Peter Angelos runs the Orioles? Dumber than Ronny Cedeno opening a baserunning school.

Second: the All-Star Game is just a giant letdown. It always is. And I'm not just talking about the fact that the NL couldn't win against the Washington Generals. I'm talking about the fact that it isn't really ever much of a good baseball game, involves more lineup changes than even Tony LaRussa can stomach, and is about as culturally relevant as a Pro-Bowl with a better publicist.

Once upon a time, the All-Star Game made sense. There were two leagues that only played each other for 4-7 games a year, max - and that was only the two best teams. Free agency was an insane pipe dream that hadn't even twinkled in Marvin Miller's eye. Good players on periennial sucky teams (like Ernie Banks or Warren Spahn) didn't have a chance to show their stuff against the other league. And beer cost a nickel, dammit!

Even after Curt Flood made a small crack in the reserve clause, and those after him shattered it, the All-Star game was still a fun little break from the regular season. It was a meaningless game, meant to be an exhibition of the best talent baseball had to offer. For fun. The fans voting for whomever they wanted to see play made sense. Because, you know, it was for fun. A game.

But then, Bud Selig had to do what he does best and douche it up by doing the following:

1. Starting Interleague play
2. Making it count.

Addressing the first point: I'm not 100% opposed to interleague play. At least not opposed enough to rant about it. But, alongside the rampant team-hopping of the free agency era (which I am not opposed to at all - I'm glad players aren't the slaves of the owners any more. As greedy as some of these jagoffs players are, they are saints compared to most owners) it renders moot the coolest part of the All-Star Game: finding out how good your favorite player is against the best of the other league. My dad (though a lifelong Cubs fan) idolized Stan Musial as a kid. What a thrill it was for him to find out just how well The Man would do against an AL ace like Whitey Ford or Early Wynn (assuming they ever faced each other...I'm just being rhetorical here).

Fast-forward to today. Most fans with google and patience could tell you how well any given All-Star has done against the other league in general, and often, any other player in specific. Using my own pathetic favorite team, I don't have to wonder how well my favorite Cubs would do against any of a number of AL players, because at some point I've seen the matchup before. Although, to be fair, I could safely assume that the Cub player would probably screw it up this year.

But I digress. More than usual. My point being: it's not a big deal to see these player matchups these days.

I'm going to do my best to be brief and not to rehash the numerous criticisms many have made regarding the second point: making the ASG "count." The main problems I have with this are that

A) That can't be much motivation to the numerous skilled players who are playing in cellar-dwelling (or at least mediocre) teams. If you play for the Orioles, why on earth should you hustle and possibly injure yourself so that some Massholes will be the ones celebrating in October? Honestly, if you're the kind of person to play your hardest with that low a level of incentive, you're the kind of person who would play that hard in an exhibition anyway.

B) Most people playing in the ASG are very good at what they do. But most of them have never played together before this week, and probably never will until next year. This isn't a team playing another team. This is a lineup of skilled individuals that have no vested interest in each other playing against the individuals on the other team. I don't really believe in the hokey notions of team chemistry overriding talent, but on some level not playing with the group you've gotten used to working with day-in, day-out over the course of a season has to be a tricky prospect.

C) It's just not as much fun. Christ, there are 162 regular season games that "count." If you have to have an exhibition game midway through the season, make it a joyous celebration of playing a game on a summer evening just for the joy of the game. Baseball is awesome, folks. It doesn't have to mean something to be awesome. I for one would love to be able to watch a great AL homerun or defensive webgem without thinking to myself "dammit, even if the Cubs somehow pull this shit off, they're going to lose home advantage."

Ultimately, all this is moot because it's not really like watching a real baseball game. By the time one pitcher finds his rhythm, his inning or so is done. There's no real sense of "uh oh, Player X is running out of gas and the heart of the lineup is coming up. Who do we have in the pen?" There's no thinking "if Player Y strikes out, Player X might be able to finish out this inning against the bottom of the lineup." It's just: "Inning over. Next inning will be a new #1 starter or last year's best closer facing 3 solid hitters." No flow, no game rhythm, no dynamics. That gets old. It's the reason hardcore bands don't make 18 minute songs.

In conclusion: the All-Star Game sucks. Get rid of it.

Unless the NL ever wins one of the damn things.