DISCLAIMER: I’m still trying to do a background check on this so-called “J.M.” from Boise, but until I hear from Datasource, I’m just going to have to keep blogging without him, MSM exposure be damned.
Hopefully, the rest of the BGP stable will be able to contribute soon, although the first annual BGP Dometop game last Saturday at Shennany North took its toll on a lot of the contributors. RV and Felix were trying to order every single variety of Cosmo on the menu, Morpheus was ejected and nearly imprisoned when he threatened a waiter with his sword cane after being told the bar could not break a $10,000 bill, and Apex may or may not be in Guantanamo after a disagreement with a Washington Expo fan turned into a improvised rap duel in which he claimed the “White House walls are gonna run pink.” Who knew that the secret service was in town?
As for myself, I suppose drinking a Signature Grizzly Cran-Straw-Raspberrytini after ever run proved a foolish plan, as the Grizz was up by 48 in the fifth, which is the last thing I remembered before checking my email this morning.
Either way, it’s time to get to today’s BGP 2008 profile, the controversial first baseman, Derrick Li. We’ve already written of his son’s tragic battles with hemorrhoids (T-Shirts still available – we now take Certified Checks as well!), but what of his own struggles, triumphs, and scandals? Perhaps no other player embodies the inherent contradictions of our own “lovable winners” like Li.
Born in Pyongyang at some point in the Cold War (records are spotty), Derrick’s formative years were spent in the secret North Korean Super Soldier1 program. Kim Jong Il specifically mentored Li, attempting to mold him as the ultimate rebuke of Western Decadence. A child of African-American parents who succeeded (nay excelled) away from the supposedly racist Running Dog Imperialist America would be a feather in his wicked cap. To this aim, Li was dosed with any of a number of chemicals, received strenuous physical training, and studied political science extensively. While this developed his hand eye coordination, discipline, and strength, the brainwashing he endured in his youth has left a lasting legacy on his outlook on politics. Barely a week goes by without Li taking a swipe at U.S. foreign policy, American pop culture, or the Free Market in general. But most Grizzly boosters take that as Derrick being Derrick2, and smile.
Not so humorous were allegations held after the 2005 season by angry Idahoans that Li was clearly a Warsaw-pact built military robot prototype that the Grizzlies had re-engineered as a hitting machine. It wasn’t until extensive physical examinations and blood tests were done by the MLB offices that the White Sox finally agreed to stop attempting to have Li dismantled. Of course, the last time Grizzly fans gave a damn about the ravings of White Sox supporters was the 4th of Never.
But who could blame anyone for doubting if Li was human in 2005? Li was immense that year, leading the league in batting average, homeruns, and runs batted in for the 2nd consecutive year, prompting the late Dan Plesac to dub him “Conductor” of the fabled Big Pink Train. Like most Plesac-coined terms, this one did not stick.
Li’s 2005 season was, on some levels a letdown, though. He spent most of the season flirting with the Sabermetric Triple Crown (an achievement that has yet to be achieved by any baseball player who played after 1879). While Lee handily led both leagues in WARP-3 and FRAA, he lost out the third category when SABR poster boy Adam Dunn narrowly beat him in the All-Star Pie Eating Contest. This loss was made doubly tough by the debate in the stats community of the importance of BiGPAPi (Blueberries Ingested: Pies Adjusted for Park Index) to a baseball player’s overall value after the 2006 decision to outlaw the use of Rascal Scooters on the field, thus limiting Dunn’s range and speed immensely.
One upshot of the 2005 season: the blood tests done at MLB’s behest not only proved his humanity, but ultimately resolved the unstated issue of his paternity as well, which led to one of the most tearful reunions in Grizztory, when former Harlem Globetrotters star Meadowlark Lemon embraced his long lost son, who had been kidnapped during the filming of a TV movie with the cast of Gilligan’s Island, in the clubhouse at the Pad after the final game of the 2006 NLCS (a sweep of the hapless Cardinals, who had the nerve to think they could bluff their way into a championship after only 83 regular season wins). Oh, you could claim their faces were just drenched in white wine spritzers, but those were clearly tears of joy.
Hopefully, the rest of the BGP stable will be able to contribute soon, although the first annual BGP Dometop game last Saturday at Shennany North took its toll on a lot of the contributors. RV and Felix were trying to order every single variety of Cosmo on the menu, Morpheus was ejected and nearly imprisoned when he threatened a waiter with his sword cane after being told the bar could not break a $10,000 bill, and Apex may or may not be in Guantanamo after a disagreement with a Washington Expo fan turned into a improvised rap duel in which he claimed the “White House walls are gonna run pink.” Who knew that the secret service was in town?
As for myself, I suppose drinking a Signature Grizzly Cran-Straw-Raspberrytini after ever run proved a foolish plan, as the Grizz was up by 48 in the fifth, which is the last thing I remembered before checking my email this morning.
Either way, it’s time to get to today’s BGP 2008 profile, the controversial first baseman, Derrick Li. We’ve already written of his son’s tragic battles with hemorrhoids (T-Shirts still available – we now take Certified Checks as well!), but what of his own struggles, triumphs, and scandals? Perhaps no other player embodies the inherent contradictions of our own “lovable winners” like Li.
Born in Pyongyang at some point in the Cold War (records are spotty), Derrick’s formative years were spent in the secret North Korean Super Soldier1 program. Kim Jong Il specifically mentored Li, attempting to mold him as the ultimate rebuke of Western Decadence. A child of African-American parents who succeeded (nay excelled) away from the supposedly racist Running Dog Imperialist America would be a feather in his wicked cap. To this aim, Li was dosed with any of a number of chemicals, received strenuous physical training, and studied political science extensively. While this developed his hand eye coordination, discipline, and strength, the brainwashing he endured in his youth has left a lasting legacy on his outlook on politics. Barely a week goes by without Li taking a swipe at U.S. foreign policy, American pop culture, or the Free Market in general. But most Grizzly boosters take that as Derrick being Derrick2, and smile.
Not so humorous were allegations held after the 2005 season by angry Idahoans that Li was clearly a Warsaw-pact built military robot prototype that the Grizzlies had re-engineered as a hitting machine. It wasn’t until extensive physical examinations and blood tests were done by the MLB offices that the White Sox finally agreed to stop attempting to have Li dismantled. Of course, the last time Grizzly fans gave a damn about the ravings of White Sox supporters was the 4th of Never.
But who could blame anyone for doubting if Li was human in 2005? Li was immense that year, leading the league in batting average, homeruns, and runs batted in for the 2nd consecutive year, prompting the late Dan Plesac to dub him “Conductor” of the fabled Big Pink Train. Like most Plesac-coined terms, this one did not stick.
Li’s 2005 season was, on some levels a letdown, though. He spent most of the season flirting with the Sabermetric Triple Crown (an achievement that has yet to be achieved by any baseball player who played after 1879). While Lee handily led both leagues in WARP-3 and FRAA, he lost out the third category when SABR poster boy Adam Dunn narrowly beat him in the All-Star Pie Eating Contest. This loss was made doubly tough by the debate in the stats community of the importance of BiGPAPi (Blueberries Ingested: Pies Adjusted for Park Index) to a baseball player’s overall value after the 2006 decision to outlaw the use of Rascal Scooters on the field, thus limiting Dunn’s range and speed immensely.
One upshot of the 2005 season: the blood tests done at MLB’s behest not only proved his humanity, but ultimately resolved the unstated issue of his paternity as well, which led to one of the most tearful reunions in Grizztory, when former Harlem Globetrotters star Meadowlark Lemon embraced his long lost son, who had been kidnapped during the filming of a TV movie with the cast of Gilligan’s Island, in the clubhouse at the Pad after the final game of the 2006 NLCS (a sweep of the hapless Cardinals, who had the nerve to think they could bluff their way into a championship after only 83 regular season wins). Oh, you could claim their faces were just drenched in white wine spritzers, but those were clearly tears of joy.
- A holdover from U.S. and Russian efforts during the 1940s to create national super heroes modeled after the popular “Captain America” comic book character. The U.S. program was discontinued quickly after Truman took office, as he deemed it “super gay.” The Soviets had many failed efforts, and their program was officially disbanded after Nikolai Volkoff, the only known test subject to survive past infancy, defected to the WWF.
- For the record, Derrick is a nickname given to Li when President George H.W. Bush compared the tall and lanky Li to an oil derrick during his much-publicized escape from Korea in 1990.
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