MySpace Archive: Using Antisemitism To Flirt With Jews

In an attempt to beef up this blog's appearance before I actually tell anyone about its existence, and also to relive some of my wacky antics over on MySpace, I am archiving all of my old posts over here at The Slog.

Let me fill you in on some backstory: This post dates from a time when I was single, but was in the midst of a long, drawn-out, both-parties-in-denial flirtation with my current girlfriend, who is a Red Sea Pedestrian (and who I should not mock, as there is a good chance she's the only person that actually reads this blog). I was raised by Southern Baptists.¹ It's like Random Sitcom Situation #37! Her MySpace screen name at the time was Ali Blue-Backpack, if that helps contextualize the beginning for all zero of my non-Ali readers.

Anywhoo, looking back, I think I was using the time-honored fourth grade flirting technique of "hitting someone and then running away." Only I added a modern twist!²

I was surprisingly happy at that point in my life,³ and therefore not complaining. And as anyone who knows me well knows, I'm not happy unless I'm not happy. With nothing to complain about, I had nothing really to say (which has, admittedly, never stopped me before).

Note, I am switching my "new commentary" over to footnotes. This is largely because I finally looked up the HTML code for it.

[Orignally posted on Friday, February 16, 2007]

Well, I have this friend...

...let's call her (for the sake of this thought excercise) "Jewy Blue-Backpack" or "Jewy" for short.

Jewy has a problem with my frequency of blog posts. She thinks that because she is pouring out all of the intimate details of her shattered Semitic psyche⁴ onto the metaphorical floor of the blogosphere, then I should too.

But, my life is going really well right now. I'm reasonably happy with my job⁵, my standard of living, my ability to cope, my lack of malignant tumors of the lung, and my hair (except at work, but I don't want to go on about how I'm forced to style it like a young Hitler there - on account of the whole "Jewy" nickname I might come off a little too hateful and Amon Goerth-y for my taste)⁶.

And a life that's going well makes for really dull blog posts. I'm at my most entertaining when I'm miserable. And, sorry Jewy: I'm not miserable. I'm content.

I suppose I could complain that my little dog has worms in his colon right now. But he's kind of a douchebag, and probably deserved it⁷. Besides, I have already dropped 3 and a half C-notes on meds and tests for for the little bastard, and it turns out he's probably gonna be fine in a few weeks. The Spark is a resiliant little turd. Just like his old man...

Actually, for the sake of honesty, I should admit that Jewy actually put that on her credit card for me- but I'm writing her a check today (as I just got paid).

Hell, I just got paid! There's another reason to be happy! I have money in the bank! My power and my phone won't be cut off! I can buy food! I can get a CD copy of Zeppelin IV⁸ (dude, I gotta get When the Levee Breaks⁹ out of my system)! I can get really drunk this weekend and waste it all!

Anywhoo. In conclusion: Life is good. My dog is sick, but he'll improve. I have no reason to complain. My friend has been Chosen by YHWH.¹⁰

The end.

And, after this I didn't post again for two months (which you will note is a frequent pattern). Until I was drawn into The Dark Underbelly of the 80s.

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Notes

1. I'm no longer a Southern Baptist, as I stopped believing in fairy tales, especially nasty ones, as a teenager.

2. That twist: random bigotry.

3. Especially surprising, given that I lived in a what amounted to a shoebox with a stove and, like now, earned a paycheck by getting essentially yelled at by People with More Money Than Brains.

4. I will admit that this technique is actually cheaper than therapy. And probably about as effective. On a side note, The People With More Money Than Brains often use me as a sort of ad hoc therapist. If I responded to their complaints with "And how does that make you feel," I could probably get away with charging $125 an hour.

5. Liar!

6. My hair still kind of sucks, but I've never been altogether pleased with that aspect (or any aspect, really) of my head.

7. Time has not changed my opinion on this one whit.

8. I actually never did. Truth-in-blogging.

9. What a kickass song. Seriously. I spent years hating Zep because punks are supposed to. But damn that song beats the hell out of anything Screeching Weasel ever did.

10. Number of times I went for a Pointless Jew Joke in original post alone: 8