Pomp Culture Press Conference

This piece originally appeared on the now defunct Pomp Culture, which used to be Thunder Matt's Saloon, and then returned to that name before becoming Exile on Clark Street...I think I still write for them...

Hello, and welcome to the first in a series of press conferences at Pomp Culture. I'm your host and moderator, Chip Wesley. Each conference will feature one member of the Pomp Culture Collective as they answer questions from their esteemed colleagues. Today we will be introducing our newest member to the group, Jon.

Jon, who blogs under his surname Wolter, has done some writing at his own personal blog, The Slog, as well as the horrific and bewildering Bleed Grizzly Pink. He currently resides in Chicago, which makes his addition to the site crucial to neutralizing some of our west coast bias.

Anyway, let's get Jon up here so we can begin with the questioning.

Jon: [coughs nervously] Thank you all for coming. I'm both honored and mildly appalled at my
selection to provide content for--

[checks card]

"Pomp Culture?" Is this some sort of rockabilly site? Well, I generally use Murray's Pomade with a dab of Royal-

[Brief discussion, illegible]

Nevermind. Anyway, I'm glad my sporadic blogging at my own site has generated--I see that I've been told to move right to the questions...okay.

Daft Funk: With your involvement in several of the Illinois governor scandals from years past, as well as your rumored involvement with the OJ Simpson Murders, do you think you'll be able to stay on track and perform, both at Pomp Culture and in the sack?

Jon: No matter what the governor or OJ may have done, I was the legitimate appointee to this point, and I'm well qualified to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. And when I find that out, look out internet!

Brant Brown: Jon. Oasis or Blur?

Jon: Funny you should ask. Tentatively, I say Blur, but I'm
actually working on a scientific scale to prove it. Currently, in the initial test of Iron Maiden vs. Judas Priest, it seems pretty reliable. I'll be happy to provide the results once the FDA concludes its Quality Assurance audit of the test facilities.

Governor X: As a Denny's stockholder, I would like to hear some details on your dish preferences and how frequently you visit the establishment. Could you provide?

Jon: It is to my ever-abiding shame to report that I am not a common frequenter of Denny's, having grown up in the heart of Waffle House country. However, if they serve Country Fried Steak with White Gravy, then that is what I would order.

Chaim Witz: Who, in your qualified opinion, has been the best KISS replacement member over the years?

Jon: Clearly Vinnie Vincent. And not just for his obvious technical proficiency, his utter rejection of his Italian heritage to make a buck, or his tacit support of the worship of Mighty Osiris in his assumption of the mantle of Ankh Warrior.

No, Vinnie has taught us the important lesson that anyone can, through hard work and general jackassery, manage to get fired from KISS for "unethical behavior."

Chip: In one aspect or another we're all guilty of snobbery whether it be food, sports, music, movies, politics, etc. What would you be considered a snob of the most? Has this ever led to arguments ending in a finger jab to the throat?

Jon: Well, of course, I try to be as elitist as possible in my daily life, but I really think my snobbery has come to the forefront in three areas:

1. The field of pre-, proto-, quasi-, meta-, post-, and unprefixed punk. Of which I have my own
definitions. And woe betide any that dare speak against my proclaimed tastes in this field.

2. As a native of South Carolina, the only state with 4 distinct Barbecue traditions (Vinegar, Carolina Mustard, and both Light and Heavy Tomato-based), I have engaged many a sissy slapfight with those that either use barbecue as a verb or refer to grilled food as "barbecued." Also, the abbreviation BBQ and its variants should only be used when handwritten on a wooden sign.

3. My innate sense of revulsion at the obscene Midwestern tradition of slicing pizza into squares. Anyone over seven that eats pizza like this will get a resigned eyeroll and a haughty sniff if they try it in my presence. Unless of course, someone else is paying for a pizza I'm eating. Then, sure, because c'mon...it's just pizza.

Jordi: In an internet search of your name, I found that you play hockey for Dartmouth.

Two questions: 1) Does the Outing Club really help people to come out of the closet? 2) What kind of groupies are you most familiar with?

Bonus question: Before Pomp Culture, what blogs did you read and why?

Jon: 1) I don't know if it helps, but anything that enables you to feel free to be
yourself couldn't hurt. I mean unless you're into getting hurt. Then it probably will.

2) Most of the groupies I've dealt with have been people that have mistaken me for Rivers Cuomo. Although, once I was mistaken for Mario Cuomo. But I didn't really get any action for it. Unless you consider a guest speaking engagement at the Buena Park League of Women Voters "action."

Bonus: The usual suspects for baseball (the one sport that I can actually analyze with some confidence), especially Cubs ones (HireJimEssian, Desipio, FJM, Baseball Prospectus). I also have a soft spot in my nerdy heart for blogs about the ridiculous crap that went on in old comics. And, of course, Rodney Anonymous's blog, because if you can't learn a life lesson from the former Dead Milkmen frontman, it is unteachable.

Daft Funk: I see you mentioned comics. Are you a comic nerd?

Jon: I was a huge comics nerd in the late 80s. Then I was a pretentious indie comics nerd in the 90s. A while back, I realized that heck, I have a decent job, a great girlfriend, and a pretty passable semblance of a life, so I went back to comics because I now have nothing toprove.

Brant Brown: Russia or the United States. Pick one.

Jon: I'm going to go with the U.S. because we have Captain America. Though Russia has the Red Ghost and his Super-Apes...so that's kind of a wash, since I have a soft spot for super-powered apes.

Wait. I'm forgetting that we also have Rock'n'Roll, which beats Tuvan throat singing rather handily in the badass department. Plus, there's no way Ivan Drago takes out Carl Weathers in a fair fight. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Jordi: Jon, favorite pro wrestler? This will say a lot about you in my book.

Jon: Well, I'm a little out of the loop, but I will tell you that I was always a fan of the "Heel" characters when I was younger. I'm far too weak and girlish to be a wrestler, but one of my Dream Jobs would be an evil manager, like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

As far as actual wrestlers, I've always had a soft spot for "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. He was the Celtics to Hogan's Lakers (or maybe the Oakland Raiders to Hogan's 49ers - I'm not good at non-baseball analogies). My favorite pro-wrestling moment of all time was on a mid-80s Saturday Night Main Event when an injured Piper came out to beat the hell out of Adrian Adonis (a Gorgeous George rip-off that had played hell with the WWF for much of the preceding
months, through the time honored tactic of cheating). Piper beat Adonis down with his crutches in spectacular fashion. If I recall correctly, Piper hated Adonis so much that he helped a woozy Hogan keep his belt during that fight, which a judicious folding-chair to the Hulk's face had placed within Adonis's grasp.

But it's been over 20 years since I watched that, so don't quote me.

Lingering Bursitis: Three questions. 1)What is your ultimate desert island disc. You can only take one album.

2)What do you request for your last meal on Death Row? More importantly, if you were ever to end up

on Death Row, what would your crimes be? 3)Who's your favourite Beatle?

Jon: Desert Island Disc: I'm going to be cliched and say London Calling, which has been my answer for 15 years now. But several other albums are gaining on it.

Last meal: A McRib, A country-fried steak, and a plate of hot wings. Hopefully, I have a heart attack and die before they execute me for the brutal ritual killings of Jimmy Buffett, James Taylor, and all non-Joe Walsh members of the Eagles. Walsh just gets cut a little.

My favorite Beatle is Ringo.

Honorable mention to Stu Sutcliffe and George Martin.

Chip: Say you're a member of a successful rock band.

Name 3 items that must be in your backstage green room or you'll refuse to go on?

Jon: Exactly 416 White Cheddar Cheez-its, unbroken, served in a crystal bowl. A French press stocked with the most expensive coffee to be found in a 50-mile radius A guy who looks uncannily like Jerry Orbach who just sits in a corner, reading the paper and grumbling to himself.

Jordi: What is your favorite Wu-Tang rapper and why? This will also tell me a lot about you.

Jon: I'm partial to the GZA. To some extent, it's because he made Liquid Swords. But really it's because when they form like Voltron, he happens to be the head.

Dave Thomas: What is your most hated mispronunciation?

Jon: No one realizes that the word forte (as in "not my forte") should be pronounced "fort,"not for-tay. It comes from the the French word for stregth, not the Italian word for loud (oh, I'm also an etymology snob). But I know that is a losing battle.

Also, though it is apparently an acceptable alternate pronunciation, when people say Cli-TOR-is instead of CLIT-or-is, a little part of me dies inside.

Chip: Alright, we have time for just one more question.

Daft Funk: What three words would you use to describe this picture?

Jon: Gay Robot Prom?

Chip: OK, that concludes our press conference today, thanks to all who participated. Jon, do you have any final comments?

Jon: I have a deep and abiding NONSEXUAL love of Bea Arthur.

Chip: Welcome to Pomp Culture Jon.