Too bad! You're getting a clips show! And considering some of my clips are reposts from even older clips, you're getting the most recursive blog entry yet!
Okay, I've already used up my 2009 allotment of exclamation points. Oops.
A lot of blogs use this time of year as a way of reviewing the previous year's content, hitting all the highlights, etc. etc. ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad hoc, post hoc ergo propter hoc, sic simper tyrannus, and so on.
But this isn't a lot of blogs. It's just my blog. My poorly written, almost never updated, confusing and insular rantfest. And I'm going to review the entire thing.1
Here it goes:
The Prehistory of the Slog (also known as 2007)
January 18: Having joined Blogger solely to leave a comment here, I decide to make the most of my newfound platform by spending thirty seconds typing a placeholder entry about Runts. Apparently I had hurt my toe that day, as well
May 12: In what will soon become a pattern for The Slog, I apologize for not actually writing a blog entry for the preceding 4 months. Exhausted by this monumental effort, I take 8 months off of blogging.
The History of the Slog (2008 - ?2)
January
28: In a moment that displays my extreme skills of complaining and pocrastinating, I complain about an incident that had happened five days previously. This entry is also a stopgap. But it does take longer to read than the front of a Cheerios box. One year and ten days after its inception, The Slog has an actual entry. Later that day, because I don't want this fledgeling blog to look so sparse, I add an obscure reference to Mark E. Smith and the Fall in order to inform my as yet nonexistent readers that I will be reposting the contents of my quasi-popular myspace blog over here. Note the proto-footnotes. I'm using asterisks because I forgot the html code for superscript. I am still so young...
30: Worn out from warning people I would do so, I take 2 days to copy and paste my first Myspace archive, from October 15, 2006. It is about how I quit my horrible job, thus beginning my Unemployment Saga. To make myself feel better about things, I add some additional commentary. Much like I'm doing now. That being easy enough, I post two more short entries from October 16, 2006 where I discover that my two weeks notice has been truncated to what I can only assume is a firing. Also, I get a mattress.
31: On October 18, 2006 I prepare to interview at a temp agency. It is demoralizing. I end up practically begging for money. The first mention of My Hideous Dog, for those playing along at home.
February
4: We learn that apparently by October 20, 2006 I really wanted to create art, but could't. This repost is largely notable for the drawing of Golden Age Skye Sweetnam, a precursor to The Knight Owl. I then post two blogs from October 24th, 2006 about my hypochondria over weight loss and my absolute hatred of job hunting. The first complaint is a dark portent of things to come.
21: A miserable three weeks ensues in real time, before the Myspace Archive continues triumphantly with an account of my 2006 Halloween plans. I end up going as Morrissey, a costume that is so perfect that I am both uniformly praised and uniformly scorned by all who see it. Later that day, we all discover that by November 4th, my life was getting better. I also end up listening to London Calling several times over. Apparently, I have some free time this day - because I post yet another Archive about finally getting a job (on November 6th, 2006). Which I promptly celebrate by drinking beer and watching zombie movies.
23: I repost one of my all time favorite blog entries (November 7, 2006), in which I go to a free clinic and then expound at some length about the Golden Girls' House.
25: We learn that as of November 22, 2006 I don't have cancer. Despite my love of bourbon and McRibs. We also learn that on November 24, 2006 I forgive those who have wronged me and apologize to those I have wronged. We also learn that brushes with death make me pompous.
26: We mourn the December 21, 2006 passing of The Greatest Ruler in History. My commentary exceeds the length of the original entry roughly sevenfold.
28: We learn that I was blogging on MySpace for months after I had a perfectly good Slog when I repost this very tender moment of flirting with my future girlfriend via the time tested method of being prejudiced. Originally written on February 16, 2007. I then add ACTUAL NEW CONTENT when I somehow nearly kill myself sneezing.
March
1: March comes in like a lion with this repost of the first part of my quasi-legendary, never yet finished Dark Underbelly of the 80s series (April 12, 2007). My unholy love of Ghostbusters first rears its head, as well as my irrational need to prove it's better than Citizen Kane. As if that isn't already obvious.
2: We learn that my Jewish girlfriend thinks swastikas are funny. This post becomes so popular, a spammer thinks this is the ideal place to leave a comment to increase ad revenues. Then I follow up with one of the most seminal works in philosophical history, part 2 of The Dark Underbelly of the 80s. This marks the May 17, 2007 birthplace of Sincere IronyTM, which is bound to replace Scientology as the leading Hollywood Fad Religion by 2021.
3: I finally get around to letting readers know a little about me.
4: I add one more vital fact to the previous post.
5: We learn that not all my Myspace blog entries are very good. I try to make up for this May 23, 2007 entry with entertaining commentary about geeks and completism, but my ADD ends up taking over. A must read.
6: I am disturbed in this repost of the June 23, 2007 blog entry. Later, I toss off a throwaway entry that eventually gets more hits than any other on this site, eventually being viewed by every single person living on Mauritius.
7: I repost a filler piece from January 17, 2008 in which I promise to eventually write real content. Even the footnotes are irritating. Later that day, I actually create new content, in the now legendary Attempt to Repair a VCR. Dr. Scotch and I lose the patient, but find ourselves in this epic pictorial journey.
9: After a solid 8 days of mostly new content, I skip a day before tossing off this lazy piece of hackwork about my first google search hit.
13: My daily productivity starts to slow, but my hit count rises as the Third World recognizes me as A Prime Source of New Romantic Musician Pictures. Later that day, Sparky ruins my 3-day weekend using only his excrement.
16: Just when my weekend starts looking up, Sparky delivers the coup-de-grace.
18: Oh, wait. It wasn't over yet. The dog is not guilty this time. I continue to complain about my ruptured chiklis for the rest of the day.
19: I wrap up the Myspace Archive in this repost from January 22, 2008 making fun of my Dad and German hairstyles.
21: I admit I am a huge pussy and ruin the upcoming Watchmen movie for anyone who can't scroll past a spoiler without reading.
27: I spew forth a miscellany on such topics as my desire to find a better job, my distrust of the Cubs, giant cookies, and Frankenstein hunters. I also piss and moan a bit about the Carbon/Silicon cancelleation. In the comments I invent the term "haikurotica." I continue this pissing and moaning later that day, with another kvetchfest about my dog's waste, among other things.
April
3: Holy crap! I actually make an effort to continue The Dark Underbelly of the 80s. But I only get through a tiny bit of the planned post, and severely dissappoint my legions of fan. I then make some brief announcements.
30: I take another long break from blogging, then return to mourn Turkmenbashi once again.
May
5: I urinate on a highway and do some naked plumbing. A long entry in itself, this one's comments devolve into something even longer and more obtuse.
8: I spend more time interpreting "Karma Chameleon" than was probably spent writing AND recording it. Definitely one of my better pieces, and judging by the hit count, definitely confusing tons of people who are genuinely looking for meaning in that song.
29: Another throwaway entry in which I lose all hipster cred.
30: I drink like a girl, and if you follow the instructions in this photo-essay, YOU CAN TOO! Oh, from this point on, I figure out how to put rollover comments on the pictures.
June
12: Bullet points. Is there no laziness they can't mask?
15: R.I.P Wilson. This one is actually sad.
July
3: I find a reason to be patriotic. And we all know neither Captain Britain nor Union Jack have ever been that unmitigatedly rad.
10: I pimp my show. You know, the one where I played a gay, Hasidic, pedophilic Satan. I am later nominated for a Jeff Award.3
11: Opening night goes well.
12: The reviews are awesome.
16: I make grandiose plans to blog about my beard. They do not last long.
22: Damn you Golden Girls' House! When will the killing stop?
23: I am diagnosed with ADHD and see a Blind AlbinoTM.
August
8: I Bleed Grizzly Pink for a while.
September
5: I dump a link about a possible Ghostbusters sequel. It leads to an inordinately long discussion in the comments.
October
14: In my monthly update, I try to catch my readers up with my plans, hopes, and dreams.
15: I actually post twice in one month again! I love this little piece of faux scholarship about a non-existent 1960s superhero. But judging by the comments, no one else did.
24: I endorse Hank Williams III's Damn Right, Rebel Proud as album of the year. Which it is.
30: I make some random comments about over- and underrated things. All readers are encouraged to listen to more Fugazi.
31: I go completely batshit insane in my analysis of the Misfits in honor of Halloween.
November
10: The McRib returns. I am overjoyed. I eat my first of the year later that day.
11: I defend myself against LIES! And do a little editing.
12: The time honored lazy blog tradition of listing searches used to reach me.
14: I eat another McRib. Later I make some big plans.
17: I eat yet another McRib.
20: I complain about being sick.
21: Axl Rose makes me look like a chump. I also eat my 4th McRib.
December
4: Holy crap! Ghostbusters video game!
12: Bettie Page dies.
18: Stan Lee respects the hell out of women.
Okay...that's it. So far. I'd like to thank all 7 of my non-Pakistani readers.
- Not as hard as it seems. I really don't have a lot of content. Still, you know...
- I'm guessing sometime in March of this year.
- Not strictly true.
3 comments:
The time-honored tradition of a clips review. Well done, I will say. If you're gonna do a clips, you did it in style, my friend. I loved your not-so-subtle inner monologue-like opinion on your entries-as-links. Well bowled. And, seriously, swastikas ARE funnier. They just are.
Hey, do I have permission to do a post-modern critique of your blog's "history" on my blog?
Your history reeks of ethnocentricity and, uh, other things. Let's "unpack" what we're reading a little.
::Mr. Shifty::
If you can find a way to make this even more meta, then by all means do so.
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