Featuring: The Exquisite Existential Horror of 16 and Pregnant
Ok. First and foremost: I am not here to praise this show.
I know TMS has a long and storied history of promoting incredibly crappy television. But that isn't my style.
This nightmare is merely on while I am in the room (actually, in the interest of full disclosure, it just ended and my fiancee changed the channel to the slightly less hateful Chelsea Lately). But it is the single bleakest thing I have ever been exposed to. And I have read almost everything Samuel Beckett ever wrote, and own Joy Division's complete discography.
So I did what my father taught me to do when encountering a tough chore. I made a game out of it.
The rules: Pick out the false statements from these random true facts about this show. Every right answer earns you $50 in TMS Fun Bucks, which can be redeemed for Mustache Rides from Chaim Witz1
The "Facts":
1. Whitney is 16 years old and pregnant.
2. She has dropped out of school to have the baby, because she is ashamed of being pregnant.
3. Her mother is also pregnant.
4. Both she AND her pregnant mother are living at her "Mee-Maw's" house.
5. Her "Mee-Maw" is renting said house.
6. Said house is already overcrowded. Before Whitney's son and her brother are even born.
7. Her "Mee-Maw's" landlord is selling the house.
8. Once the house sells, they are evicted, meaning the only good thing about the crappy housing market is that maybe the depressed economy of whatever backwater community they live in will actually keep a roof over their head.
9. Since dropping out of school, Whitney was a social recluse. Because her friends will not hang out with her for fear of "getting pregnant theyselves."
10. Did I mention everyone in East Dogpatch, or Hooterville, or St. Louis, or wherever this takes place sounds and looks like an extra from Deliverance? Because they hella do.
11. When she ran into her friends at the mall on the first day she left the house in weeks, it was more awkward than discussing "Black Quarterbacks" with my extended family...
12. Oh, remember that House of Despair currently on the market? "Mee-Maw" has to sleep on the couch.
13. Whitney and her Babydaddy Weston (WESTON?) go looking for an apartment. Despite the fact that they live far enough from human civilization that the rent for AN ENTIRE HOUSE costs less than an efficiency in Lincoln Square, they still couldn't afford it. Because they are sixteen.
14. Weston.
15. Weston has a job, but his hours are being cut gradually...
16. While clearing a drawer out in "Mee-Maw's" old room (remember, she's on the couch now!), they found her New Orleans souvenir mug with a ceramic penis for a handle.
17. This made "Mee-Maw" so angry that she told them they had to move out. To recap this one: Whitney's grandmother kicked her pregnant granddaughter out because she found her mug with A CERAMIC PENIS FOR A HANDLE.
18. In an hilarious twist of fate, Whitney goes into labor on what would have been her Prom night. If she hadn't dropped out. Because of her baby.
19. Oh, and there were complications with the labor, necessitating a C-Section. Even after the labor inducing drugs were given.
20. Oh, lest I forget, the baby was not moving enough before delivery, which necessitated being placed on a Fetal Heart Monitor.
21. I still almost forgot...she was just going in for a check-up. The baby wasn't actually due.
22. The baby was born healthy, and Weston actually ended up being good with him. Which is fortuitous, because Whitney was clearly suffering from post-partum depression.
23. The notion of a happy ending was introduced, when Weston's parents offered to let them move into their storage room.
24. A few weeks later, Whitney sat with her baby, and stated in a flat voice "I was too young to have a baby. Thank goodness I had help."
25. The baby looked like a Gray with a pignose. Or, I guess...Sean Marshall.
26. Did I mention the baby is named Weston, Jr.?
27. In celebration of their life maintaining subsistence levels, Whitney ends up baking a cake. Which looks like the easter bunny had diarrhea. Only more depressing.
28. I was just reminded on re-reading this list that Whitney cannot tie her own shoes. She has reproduced.
29. Weston, Jr.
Answer key: If you said every single one of these things was absolutely true, give yourself a mustache ride!
Tune in next week, when a weeping teenage couple decides to re-enact the plot of Juno, only with more heart-wrenching despair, as they decide to bring a baby to term for adoption!
MTV, you truly are devoted to the joy and fun of youth!
1. The Chaim Witz Wild Mustache Ride is unfortunately closed for repairs.
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