What the hell is wrong with Turkmenistan?

Or, "Damn you, Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov!"

Ok, time to dust off the "Back From Indefinite Hiatus" tag. Sorry for the delay, but I've had a lot of things go down in the past few weeks, any of a number of which might have made interesting blogs, had I been so inclined. Here's a quick little bulleted list for those of you keeping score at home:

• I went to Disneyworld with my girlfriend and her family, where we were whisked around like royalty, getting in front of every line in the place (take that Make A Wish kids!).
• I got a nice little promotion at my job, making it entirely possible that I'm not underemployed anymore.
• I'll probably be in a show this summer. HamletMachine. More on that later.
• I watched the Cubs become an official Major League Baseball Team by putting up the best beginning of a season since--roughly--the Bronze Age.
• I battled the almighty, planet devouring Galactus to a standstill, finally getting him to agree to leave the Earth permanently.¹ No thanks to that damn Watcher.
• I have shown that I have the willpower to avoid murdering Sparky, despite the fact that he now barks nonstop for the duration of any meal I attempt to eat in the apartment.
• I have yet to destroy any other household appliances.
• Ali and I have managed to empty our storage locker, thus saving us literally 1.09 hundreds of dollars a month.
• I continued to not write about The Goonies.
• I have edged ever closer to my goal of winning the Presidency in 2012 on the back of my "Where's My Jetson's Shit" platform.²

But none of that matters, because Turkmenistan is turning its back on 90% of it's Gross Domestic Product: sheer lunatic leadership.

Apparently, per the BBC, new President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov has decided to undo the hard work that Slog favorite Saparmurat Niyazov performed to make Turkmenistan the wackiest Former Soviet Republic around. "Names of months and days have to comply with international standards," said Berdymukhamedov,³ thus ending the former Turkmenbashi's tradition of naming months after, well, whatever he damn well felt like calling them.

What's next, Kurbanguly?⁴ No more using the national treasury to make gold statues of The Father of Turkmen? No more compulsory reading of Niyazov's poetry in schools? No more "Free McRib Tuesdays?"⁵ I suppose you think you're going to be a respected world leader if you give in to peer pressure and run your country like every other central Asian state? Hardly. Turkmenbashi put you on the map⁶, pal. Without him, you're paractically Uzbekistan.

I mourn for you, Saparmurat.⁷ In your absence, the world is a colder, saner place.

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1. I may be confusing myself with the Fantastic Four.
2. The Future of Yesterday...Tomorrow!
3. Turkmen for "Killjoy."
4. Turkmen for "Total Doucheface."
5. Ok. That one is mine. But he'd have done it. He was cool like that.
6. Which, of course, no American can use.
7. Turkmen for "Totally Fucking Rad."