McRib update

I ate one at lunch today.

The 2008 total is up to 4.

Pray for Mojo.

W. Axl Rose Goes Upside1 the Slog's Head

Note: I promise to stop putting footnotes in the title after this. Even I find it annoying.

Axl, you magnificent bastard. I keep promising to release my Goonies article before you release Chinese Democracy, and what do you do?

You go and release Chinese Democracy. Hat's off to you, sir.

That's right, the long-awaited (well, long-awaited by Chuck Klosterman and like 12 other people) follow-up to the seminal The Spaghetti Incident? is finally hitting the shelves. So, I guess I will have a free Dr. Pepper after all.

In all honesty, calling this a Guns'n'Roses album is like calling "Centerfield" a Creedence Clearwater Revival song, but I'll play your game Axl. I will refrain from reviewing it as a solo debut. Yes, reviewing. For I have managed to procure a copy of this album through COMPLETELY LEGAL CHANNELS SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSES OF REVIEW.²

And, to that end I present:

THE OFFICIAL SLOG RAMBLING, HALF-ASSED REVIEW OF CHINESE DEMOCRACY!

Overview

Eh, it's not half as bad as I thought it might be. I mean if you really like the Use Your Illusion albums³, it's not altogether that bad. In fact some songs compare favorably, though others drift into the heinous territory that is "November Rain." However if you think the only 100% worthwhile contribution GnR ever made was Appetite,⁴ then it probably comes of as overwrought and overblown. Which it is.

But I do take into account the fact that Axl is, and always has been, a maximalist. If you let him, he will put in an orchestra, an industrial dance beat, a Halford scream,a piano interlude, a fretwanking solo, a vocoder, and a series of samples from movies he kinda likes. So, I didn't exactly expect this to be an album of stripped-down, AC/DC style metallic rock.

Which is a good thing not to expect, or I would have been SORELY disappointed.

Was It Worth Waiting For?

Long Answer: Did you ever know any really hardcore fans of Brian Wilson? The kind of people that would talk about his revolutionary studio approach, and deeply lament that he went all batshit and destroyed all the work he did on the legendary, unreleased Smile. And they might go on about the snippets that had been released, and how they showed the potential to be one of the defining albums of a generation?

And then do you remember how Wilson decided to finally re-record and release Smile with a group of very talented musicians and singers that came very close to replicating the sound of the Beach Boys, circa 1967. And because you were a slightly more than casual, but far from obsessive fan of the Beach Boys, you decided to buy it?

And when you listened to it, you enjoyed it, but ultimately decided it really wasn't the Beach Boys as you remembered them? And how it was very good, but really didn't hold a candle to Pet Sounds as an album or the fun and delight of the great mid-60s singles?

Short Answer: Not really.

Classic GnR?

Hardly. But it really isn't very bad, if one goes into it positively disposed towards Axl and company. It's not particularly embarassing when measured against "Get in the Ring" or "My World" or the concept of GnR covering punk songs. Or when measured against Axl's current hairstyle. Several songs (the title track, "Shackler's Revenge," and "IRS" spring to mind) are straight up rocking songs in the manner that one might expect. And that's what GnR was always best at.

Of course, there are embarassing sentimentalist drivel moments. That's always been Axl's weak spot. When he can get it to work ("Sweet Child O' Mine") it's not downright awful. But when it veers into the aforementioned "November Rain" territory (as chunks of this album threaten), I'm less amused. "Street of Dreams" has an intro that makes me think that Axl was trying to fuse Springsteen, Air Supply, and a Peter Criss solo album into one huge mishmash. Also, during the solo, I could only imagine that had Slash been a member, he would be standing on a water tower or boxcar or something in the video (if that makes sense).

Perhaps the weirdest realization I had about this album is that several songs sound like Axl trying to sound like Gold Against the Soul-era Manic Street Preachers. And considering that the Manics were still trying to rewrite Appetite For Destruction at that point, it makes for a listening experience I can only describe as "meta."⁵

The Final Verdict?

It's not a long-awaited must hear album for metal and hard rock fans. It's not classic GnR. It's also not a sad embarassment to all connected. It sounds like a competently made album of bombastic metallic music. If Axl had been constrained by an actual band, it would probably have been a lot more focused, but it might have been less charming.

I apologize for anyone expecting more mockery and random silliness in this entry. I promise that I will atone for that by eating a McRib or two this weekend.

---

1. Metaphorically speaking, only. In truth, the relationship between the Slog and Mr. Rose has always been cordial.
2. And that's all I will say about that.
3. I don't particularly.
4. I do, um...particularly.
5. The reason I can only describe it this way is that I have no imagination.

A quick observation from my sickbed1

So, for the last two days or so, I have had have a pretty bad flu or an incredibly awful, almost biblically epic cold. And I'm taking (among other things) Theraflu² for it. Since I also have a scratchy throat, it's the Flu + Sore Throat version, which is some sort of spiced apple flavor.

My observation is this: this sore throat version has a narrow margin over the original flavor. The reason being that it does not taste like hot, mediciney lemon juice. Instead, it tastes like THE ABSOLUTE WORST HOT APPLE CIDER YOU'VE EVER HAD.

Goddamn, I hate being sick.


P.S. - If you're stalking me, don't forget to check my "101 things" list periodically. I will be marking them off as I do them. I've been making more homemade soup to combat this vile illness that afflicts me, so I'm down to 99!

---

1. I say "sickbed," but that's actually just where I belong. I am actually at work.
2. Which probably warrants a trademark or restricted symbol, but I'm too spacy to figure out which or remember how to make them.³
3. I do remember how to make superscripts.

Oh, I almost forgot...

I ended up eating a SECOND McRib late on Friday. Okay, technically very early on Saturday.

That is all. Please mark off your McRib advent calendars as needed.

101 things to do in 1001 days.

Okay, so the Alibear has made a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. Sort of a way of forcing oneself to get the things done that you want to get done.

Now apparently, I'm so much of a cynical asshole that she assumes I think this is stupid. Which I do NOT.

In fact, I have made my own list. Which is almost 90% joke free. Maybe even more so. So, by some unspecified time (I have no desire to do the math right now - maybe I'll make that #102) in 2011, I hope to have done the following.

1. Write a non-lazy Slog post at least once a week


2. Get on the ball about going back to school - find all requirements


3. Sketch at least 20 minutes a day, every day.


4. This item is classified Done
   


5. Master pen-pad mouse. Make at least once project a week with it.


6. Finish Dark Underbelly of the 80s


7. Sit Zazen at least twice a week.


8. Finish all unfinished Pynchon Novels. V., I am looking in your direction.


9. Finish revising Killer Martian Robot's…On the Moon! Shop it around. Let someone else tell me it's unproducable for a change.


10. Submit to at least 5 short play festivals.


11. Finish all short plays that comprise A Square Peg in a Black Hole


12. Audition for at least one paying gig a year with a company I do not know.


13. Get headshots. If I don't, then stop acting.


14. Get domain space, and make a webcomic.


15. Assemble a genuine portfolio of artwork that can be used to apply for a job.


16. Acquire a copy of the most cutting edge art program I can find. Learn to use it at andvanced level.


17. Participate in a "Novel Marathon"


18. Surprise the hell out of Ali with something romantic. Done
    


19. Finish reading the Old Testament. Even Chronicles.


20. Read at least 15 of the unread books that I already own.


21. Ramp up presidential campaign ("Where's My Jetson's Shit, America?")


22. Take all undergrad prerequisites to proposed MFA


23. Visit home more often


24. Call my family more often


25. Make a better effort to keep in touch with friends in other cities.


26. Learn to play at least one song on whatever guitar Ali finally gets.


27. Learn to play at least one song on a piano/keyboard


28. Work on my ear for music.


29. Visit the Haymarket Bombsite on May Day.


30. See more live music.


31. See more live theatre.


32. Create submission packet for a daily comic strip and submit to at least one syndicate, despite astronomical odds of pickup.


33. Respond to at least 5 requests for freelance illustrators.


34. Visit the Art Institute again


35. Visit the Museum of Science and Industry again


36. Visit the Field Museum again


37. Visit the Shedd Aquarium again


38. Visit the Adler Planetarium again


39. Visit Lincoln Park Zoo more often. Take a sketchbook


40. Go out to dinner more often. Not eat out. Go out. Plan it.


41. Watch Ghostbusters and Citizen Kane back to back. Compare and contrast.


42. Teach a crotchety old man the true meaning of Christmas Read a really good translation of the Greek Bible (New Testament)


43. Read a really good translation of the Gnostic Gospels


44. Read a really good translation of the Apocrypha.


45. Finish Kapital and Wealth of Nations. Compare and contrast with Ghostbusters


46. Make at least one large-scale painting.


47. Make that logo for Northstar.


48. Make a genuine attempt at writing a poem.


49. Make a genuine attempt to read more poetry.


50. Make more soup in cold weather. Done.


51. Exercise a little bit.


52. Work on saving more money.


53. Work on spending less money


54. Come up with a more effective way of managing my time.


55. Get more sleep.


56. Clean the bathroom from top to bottom


57. Clean the kitchen from top to bottom


58. Get the "Hellboy ace" tattoo.


59. Walk to the lake more often Done
    


60. Get away from town more often


61. Try to get to more Cubs games while they still have a good team.


62. Get proposed to Learn to play a new card game.


63. Overcome hang-ups and see a movie in a theater alone.


64. Find a word that rhymes with orange, silver, and purple. A single word. Done.
    


65. Visit my brother in Philly.


66. Invent an Origami sculpture that actually looks like an item in the real world.


67. Clean/Rod out kitchen and bathroom traps and the bathtub drain. Done.
    


68. Paint the apartment (or the new place)


69. Get a passport. What kind of an awful, awful citizen of the world am I, anyway?


70. This item is also classified


71. Watch a Second City show again


72. Replace/reattach the missing buttons on my pea coat. Done.


73. Get new jeans/toss or donate old ones.


74. Get new shirts and slacks for work/toss or donate old ones. Done.
    


75. Purchase a decent suit. Done, sort of. (I was given one)
    


76. Have more than 2/3 of my hair turn silver (I’m going to assume I don’t have a choice on this one, but hey…easy to achieve)


77. Try not to make fun of the ENORMOUS fonts of any bloggers I cohabitate with. Done.
    


78. Clean the carpet.


79. Learn some new recipes.


80. Eat more fruit.


81. Eat more McRibs Done.


82. Get my hands on some raw peanuts and boil them.


83. Eat those boiled peanuts. Share if necessary.


84. Upon visiting my family down south, talk my father into having an Oyster Roast.


85. Update both my theatrical and office résumés.


86. Spell résumé right the first time without using spell-check.


87. Get a decent Spanish-English Dictionary and try to read Don Quixote in the original Español.


88. Get a decent Spanish-English Dictionary and try to read Borges in the original Español.


89. Finish reading the original Middle-English Canterbury Tales.


90. Learn to pronounce the basic Hebrew prayers correctly so I don’t sound like the mostest Goyishe Goy in all of Goyim at every holiday I spend with Ali’s family.


91. While I’m at it, memorize those prayers so I don’t have to think too hard about them.


92. Be better about giving Christmas and birthday presents…and yes, Chanukah presents Ali…


93. If the opportunity presents itself, watch a minor league ballgame AND/OR a major league ballgame in another city.


94. Try not to let my hair ever get to the “Eight is Enough” bowl-cut shapelessness it often reaches between visits to the barber.


95. Continue learning about hockey. Actually sit and watch games.


96. Try to discover decent new music, instead of wallowing in my beloved 1976-1981 (he says as he listens to Devo).


97. Schedule a trip to the dentist more regularly.


98. Schedule a trip to the Opthalmologist in 2010 to make sure my eyes are still crappy in the same way they were in 2005. Done early. My glasses broke.
    


99. Make sure to get more regular checkups/check that my shots are in order.


100. Walk Sparky more often.


101. Get that Dalmation skin coat made.

That sound you hear is the 4th seal being broken...

...or maybe it's just my heart exploding.





Two in one week.





I may be dead by this time tomorrow.

I have no idea what that picture means, but I find it oddly compelling.

Offered without comment...

A list of search terms that have led people to me:

• 80s vcr repair
• a slog
• angel juicer, a-3000
• ant the whole world loves it when you
• blackgourd
• boy george karma chameleon red gold green meanings
• citizen kane denouement
• clash shea stadium blogspot
• color of christmas red green gold poem jesus
• colors like my dream red gold and green
• comics
• david allan coe nothing sacred blog
• desert-eyed
• drew wolter myspace
• girlshouse nude
• gold slogger schnapps
• gold,green and red in nature
• green slog
• hank iii damn right rebel proud blogspot
• hende heuen quene translation
• hende old is gold song
• home vcr repair
• ideas for comics
• in land of gold and green and red
• line by line explication of sir gawain and the green knight
• listen to third world album red gold and green
• meaning of a green/gold veil in a dream
• morrison unpublished comics
• pentagle band
• razor blades blogspot baby hair bullet
• razor blades in apples lyrics
• red gold 7 green
• red gold and green
• red gold and green eye
• red gold and green hitler
• red gold and green if your colors
• red gold and green reference
• red gold and green song
• red gold green gay
• red,gold and green party
• taoism
• taoism and procrastination
• the slog
• the slog led zeppelin
• the-slog
• the-slog wolter
• unemployment comments for myspace
• used to be so wet i heard you say that my love was an addiction
• vcr repair at home
• vcr repair pictures
• what does the red green and gold in rastafarian mean
• which boy george culture club hit contains the following lines loving would be easy if your colours were like my dreams red gold and green
• wolter the tank

I think that pretty much sums up my interests nicely. Interestingly enough, I used to wrestle in Mexico under the name "Wolter, El Tanque."

More on the McRib later, I'm sure.

McLibel...

Okay, that title is totally inaccurate. But I got your attention. Which I suppose I already had if you visited this site in the first place.

Last night I received this comment on my "It's Back" blog entry from my heterosexual, non-legally sanctioned civil partner and cohabitant, Ursus Alexandrus:

My favorite moment of the other night:

Alibear and Wolter sit quietly doing sudoku like an elderly married couple on the bed with the TV on in the background.

All of a sudden, Wolter lets out a loud pig-like squeal.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried at Wolter crying out, "What? What happened? Are you OK?"

She is met with Wolter's reply, "OH MY GOD! THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!"

Alibear, a bit pissed off says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something!"

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)*

Wolter's reply, "NO! How can you not know it's a McRib commercial? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib!"

And that's when Alibear began to fear Wolter.

Which is funny (and ultimately true), but not 100% accurate. Now, technically correct is the best kind, so allow me to revise her story to fit the facts:

My favorite moment of the other night:

Alibear and Wolter sit quietly each doing his or her own sudoku like an elderly married couple a heterosexual, non-legally sanctioned civil partner and cohabitant on the bed with the TV on in the background. Wolter was far more successful at his - he works at a prodigious pace, like a machine designed to solve these puzzles. Ali moves at a more languid pace, though she is not doing bad.

All of a sudden, Wolter lets out a loud pig-like squeal beatific gasp of stunned joy, and points at the television like a man possessed.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried irritated at Wolter crying out interrupting her reverie, which no doubt involves a fantasy encounter with Christopher Meloni, Hugh Jackman, and MSNBC's Rachel Maddow, "What? What happened? Are you OK? What is it?" She then sighs in annoyance, like a pneumatic lift being released.

She is met with Wolter's reply, "OH MY GOD! THE McRIB I IT'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!"

"What's back?"

"Look."

"I don't know what you mean."

"On the TV. It's back."

"What's back?"

"The McRib. It's right there."

Alibear, a bit pissed off that her visions of a sweaty Detective Stabler interrogating a shirtless Wolverine in a hot, dark room while Rachel is "talked down" have been interrupted by Wolter's jackassery says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something!"

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)* This is sadly true.

Wolter's reply, "NO! How can you not know it's did you not notice me pointing at the TV like DoOnald Sutherland in that shitty Body Snatchers remake? Did you really not realize it's a McRib commercial? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib!"

And that's when Alibear began to fear Wolter.

And while I'm at it, let me change it to make it my ideal night:

My favorite moment of the other night:

Alibear and Wolter sit quietly doing sudoku like an elderly married couple on the bed with the TV on in the background strap the experimental jetpack prototypes on each other, then clasp in an embrace fraught with tension, both sexual and genuine. The cyborg dinosaur zombies have nearly overrun the entire North Side of Chicago but, backed by an army of hyper-intelligent ninja gibbons riding highly trained (and adorably fluffy) talking polar bears with laser beams on their backs and claws that can slice through steel (or undead dinosaur flesh) like a hot knife through butter, the couple plans to leading the final counterattack.

"I love you," Alibear whispers. "Also, you don't have a double-chin in this fantasy."

All of a sudden, Wolter lets out a loud pig-like squeal manful roar of triumph.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried at excited by Wolter's crying out, "What? What happened? Are you OK?"

She is met with Wolter's steely reply, "OH MY GOD! I just got a message on my comm-link from President Egon Spengler. THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!"

Alibear, a bit pissed off taken aback, says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something!"

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)*

Wolter's reply, "NO! How can you not know it's a McRib commercial? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib!" Well, once we take care of these Dino-Terrors, we'll pick up a couple, and take them back to our rooftop castle."

Wolter kisses Alibear, twice as manfully as the second most manful kiss that had ever been manfully done (which was the kiss he had given her seconds before this story began).

"Now let's show these unholy cybernetic creeps what 'extinction' means."

And that's when Alibear began to fear realized that no one could ever replace Wolter in her heart.

And now, let's see what that story would be like if we were both Bushmen in an overrated 80s comedy :

My favorite moment of the other night:

Al(!)b(!)r(!!!) and Wo(!)(')r sit quietlydoing sudoku like an elderly married couple on the bed with the TV on in the background, spears in hand, stalking an impala that had separated from the herd.

All of a sudden, a pilot overhead drops a McRib sandwich from his window. It strikes Wolter on the head. He lets out a loud pig-like squeal.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried at Wolter crying out, "What? What happened? Are you OK(!)!(!!!)?"

She is met with Wolter's reply, "OH MY GOD! THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!"

Alibear, a bit pissed off says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something(!)"

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders, believing them to be evil prankster spirits, and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)*

Wolter's reply, "NO(!) How can you not know it's a McRib commercial(!!!!)? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib!"

And that's when Alibear began to fear Wolter the camera was sped up for comedic effect and for some reason a lot of people found the movie funny.

And as Amish folk:

My favorite moment of the other night:

Goodwife Alibear and Mordecai Wolter sit quietly doing sudoku like an elderly married couple on the bed with the TV on in the background churning butter.

All of a sudden, Wolter lets out a loud pig-like squeal.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried at Wolter crying out, "What? What hast happenedeth, Mordecai? Are you OK Art thou hale and hearty?"

She is met with Wolter's reply, "OH MY GOD! THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! Ach. I hath been bitten by a spider."

Alibear, a bit pissed off concerned says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something! Alloweth me to apply a poultice to the wound, to draweth out the bitter poison."

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)*

Wolter's reply, "NO! How can you not know it's a McRib commercial? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib! Dearest heart, thou knowest that such fripperies as medicine are vanities. Now we have much to churn and very little lamp oil."

And that's when Alibear began to fear submitted to Wolter's will, as is meet for a God-fearing wife.

Okay, that's enough silliness. McRib week (not an intentional topic, but clearly I'm on a roll) will continue later...

Mission Accomplished.

It's back.

I saw a commercial for an old friend this weekend...



Oh yeah.

I brave the crowds of Navy Pier today in my search for pork-esque, barbecue-ish, almost-food awesomeness.

I'll give an update later today if I don't go into cardiac arrest.