McLibel...

Okay, that title is totally inaccurate. But I got your attention. Which I suppose I already had if you visited this site in the first place.

Last night I received this comment on my "It's Back" blog entry from my heterosexual, non-legally sanctioned civil partner and cohabitant, Ursus Alexandrus:

My favorite moment of the other night:

Alibear and Wolter sit quietly doing sudoku like an elderly married couple on the bed with the TV on in the background.

All of a sudden, Wolter lets out a loud pig-like squeal.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried at Wolter crying out, "What? What happened? Are you OK?"

She is met with Wolter's reply, "OH MY GOD! THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!"

Alibear, a bit pissed off says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something!"

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)*

Wolter's reply, "NO! How can you not know it's a McRib commercial? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib!"

And that's when Alibear began to fear Wolter.

Which is funny (and ultimately true), but not 100% accurate. Now, technically correct is the best kind, so allow me to revise her story to fit the facts:

My favorite moment of the other night:

Alibear and Wolter sit quietly each doing his or her own sudoku like an elderly married couple a heterosexual, non-legally sanctioned civil partner and cohabitant on the bed with the TV on in the background. Wolter was far more successful at his - he works at a prodigious pace, like a machine designed to solve these puzzles. Ali moves at a more languid pace, though she is not doing bad.

All of a sudden, Wolter lets out a loud pig-like squeal beatific gasp of stunned joy, and points at the television like a man possessed.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried irritated at Wolter crying out interrupting her reverie, which no doubt involves a fantasy encounter with Christopher Meloni, Hugh Jackman, and MSNBC's Rachel Maddow, "What? What happened? Are you OK? What is it?" She then sighs in annoyance, like a pneumatic lift being released.

She is met with Wolter's reply, "OH MY GOD! THE McRIB I IT'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!"

"What's back?"

"Look."

"I don't know what you mean."

"On the TV. It's back."

"What's back?"

"The McRib. It's right there."

Alibear, a bit pissed off that her visions of a sweaty Detective Stabler interrogating a shirtless Wolverine in a hot, dark room while Rachel is "talked down" have been interrupted by Wolter's jackassery says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something!"

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)* This is sadly true.

Wolter's reply, "NO! How can you not know it's did you not notice me pointing at the TV like DoOnald Sutherland in that shitty Body Snatchers remake? Did you really not realize it's a McRib commercial? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib!"

And that's when Alibear began to fear Wolter.

And while I'm at it, let me change it to make it my ideal night:

My favorite moment of the other night:

Alibear and Wolter sit quietly doing sudoku like an elderly married couple on the bed with the TV on in the background strap the experimental jetpack prototypes on each other, then clasp in an embrace fraught with tension, both sexual and genuine. The cyborg dinosaur zombies have nearly overrun the entire North Side of Chicago but, backed by an army of hyper-intelligent ninja gibbons riding highly trained (and adorably fluffy) talking polar bears with laser beams on their backs and claws that can slice through steel (or undead dinosaur flesh) like a hot knife through butter, the couple plans to leading the final counterattack.

"I love you," Alibear whispers. "Also, you don't have a double-chin in this fantasy."

All of a sudden, Wolter lets out a loud pig-like squeal manful roar of triumph.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried at excited by Wolter's crying out, "What? What happened? Are you OK?"

She is met with Wolter's steely reply, "OH MY GOD! I just got a message on my comm-link from President Egon Spengler. THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!"

Alibear, a bit pissed off taken aback, says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something!"

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)*

Wolter's reply, "NO! How can you not know it's a McRib commercial? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib!" Well, once we take care of these Dino-Terrors, we'll pick up a couple, and take them back to our rooftop castle."

Wolter kisses Alibear, twice as manfully as the second most manful kiss that had ever been manfully done (which was the kiss he had given her seconds before this story began).

"Now let's show these unholy cybernetic creeps what 'extinction' means."

And that's when Alibear began to fear realized that no one could ever replace Wolter in her heart.

And now, let's see what that story would be like if we were both Bushmen in an overrated 80s comedy :

My favorite moment of the other night:

Al(!)b(!)r(!!!) and Wo(!)(')r sit quietlydoing sudoku like an elderly married couple on the bed with the TV on in the background, spears in hand, stalking an impala that had separated from the herd.

All of a sudden, a pilot overhead drops a McRib sandwich from his window. It strikes Wolter on the head. He lets out a loud pig-like squeal.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried at Wolter crying out, "What? What happened? Are you OK(!)!(!!!)?"

She is met with Wolter's reply, "OH MY GOD! THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!"

Alibear, a bit pissed off says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something(!)"

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders, believing them to be evil prankster spirits, and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)*

Wolter's reply, "NO(!) How can you not know it's a McRib commercial(!!!!)? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib!"

And that's when Alibear began to fear Wolter the camera was sped up for comedic effect and for some reason a lot of people found the movie funny.

And as Amish folk:

My favorite moment of the other night:

Goodwife Alibear and Mordecai Wolter sit quietly doing sudoku like an elderly married couple on the bed with the TV on in the background churning butter.

All of a sudden, Wolter lets out a loud pig-like squeal.

Alibear jumps, understandably, looking quite worried at Wolter crying out, "What? What hast happenedeth, Mordecai? Are you OK Art thou hale and hearty?"

She is met with Wolter's reply, "OH MY GOD! THE McRIB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! Ach. I hath been bitten by a spider."

Alibear, a bit pissed off concerned says, "I thought something had happened! Like you saw a spider or something! Alloweth me to apply a poultice to the wound, to draweth out the bitter poison."

*(Wolter is terrified of spiders and squeals like a little girl when he sees one)*

Wolter's reply, "NO! How can you not know it's a McRib commercial? That it's BACK! What's wrong with you? My sweet, sweet McRib! Dearest heart, thou knowest that such fripperies as medicine are vanities. Now we have much to churn and very little lamp oil."

And that's when Alibear began to fear submitted to Wolter's will, as is meet for a God-fearing wife.

Okay, that's enough silliness. McRib week (not an intentional topic, but clearly I'm on a roll) will continue later...