MySpace Archive: The Dark Underbelly of the 80s, 1a

In an attempt to beef up this blog's appearance before I actually tell anyone about its existence, and also to relive some of my wacky antics over on MySpace, I am archiving all of my old posts over here at The Slog.

This is part one of my so far two-part exposé into the
movies that shaped my life. Part two followed some time after, and part three will probably come out some time around The Second Coming (or the First, if you are Ali).

I suspect I will have minimal commentary on this one, as though this is flawed, I have a soft spot in my heart for these entries, especially given that is the beginning of my one-man war against The So-Called Greatest Movie Ever. This war has not really touched any of my other entries to date, but is a major part of any given day.

Any footnotes not in italics are from the original post.

[Originally posted on April 12, 2007]

The Dark Underbelly of the 80s - Part One, Section A

Movies that begin with G.

NOTE: I have abandoned my initial practice of starting all blogs with "Well." It seems to be making me unable to come up with new blogs, is a little too precious, and has outlived it's usefulness (I really only set it up that way so I could whip out a "Well, I have cancer" blog, but silly me, I had to be healthy).

Anywhoo.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

I am a child of the 80s. Scratch that. I hate that term. I didn't spring fully formed from the thigh of the 80s. That's lazy, cliché-riddled writing to say that. But I did spend the ages of 3.43 to 13.57 years of age living in that Reagany, Syth-laden, and Acid-washed time. Somehow, despite spending the entirety of the decade in South Carolina, I never had a mullet, barely wore Jams, and...well I fucking loved Guns'n'Roses. Fine. I admit it. I still love Appetite For Destruction. But that's neither here not there. The point is, I missed out on some of the finer and more embarrassing points of the 80s.

But I did watch a lot of movies.

And a lot of them began with G.

Well, three of them began with G (not counting sequels). Those three were very important in the process of forming my worldview. It's tempting to say that without them, I would be a happier, more trusting human being. Of course, that would be a lie, as what I'm about to write is pure BS-driven hyperbole. However, the fact that such darkness exists in what are ostensibly comedies is proof that we are in the grip of unnamable dread.

The first of the movies in my Trinity of the Damned¹ is the aptly named Ghostbusters.

Ghostbusters, in and of itself, is a fantastic movie. Probably the greatest ever made. You know that's true. Don't even fucking try to lie to me or pull that "Citizen Kane" junk with me. You know you've watched Citizen Kane maybe one time, and you probably dozed off for part of it. But you've seen Ghostbusters so many times that you know what to say if someone asks if you're a god, you know better than to step on a Church in Venkman's town, and you know good and damn well not to think of anything when asked to choose the form of your destroyer (Fig. 1).

Fig. 1: Your delicious, fluffy doom awaits you.

But, of course, underneath the cheery and wise-assed exterior beats the thousand-tentacled eldritch heart of Lovecraftian terror. And that's a good thing. Ghostbusters taught me that, no matter how successful your life is, there's always a chance that a 3,000 year old Sumerian god will eff your world up for no damn good reason. Also, the Babylonians certainly knew a hell of a lot more about theology than Rome does (Fig. 2), no matter what Lenny's Archbishop buddy says.

Fig. 2:The Church isn't gonna save you from Gozer.

So, if god ain't gonna save you, who can you turn to? The state? Hardly. The government (Fig. 3) is, if anything, a total douchebag. Any tinpot bureaucrat with a hard-hat and a government I.D. can set off a nuclear chain reaction that unleashes the full fury of the Elder Gods on an unwitting soundstage that looks sort of like New York. Is it any wonder that I gravitated to Left-leaning Libertarian Socialism² as I grew older? No. It's a wonder more people didn't. If Walter Peck weren't already dickless, Bakunin would have ripped his junk off in a nanosecond.⁴

Fig. 3:The U.S. Government.

Ghostbusters II also taught me a lesson: no matter how anxiously you await a sequel, there's a good chance it will suck on toast. Also, that no matter how good a person you've been in your life, there's always a chance you will have to see Peewee from the Porky's movies paw all over Sigourney Weaver.

Okay, I think I've run out of steam about Ghostbusters. I promise I'll have more meaningless crap to say in Section B: Gremlins.⁶

Surprisingly, I think Section B actually DID come next. But don't hold me to that.

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1. Wouldn't that be a great horror movie title? Or maybe the name of a Goth power trio? Is there such a thing as a Goth power trio? I bet they would really suck.

2. Secret euphemism for Anarchism. Used to describe people without huge beards and round cartoon bombs with fuses that find all control systems to be anathema. See, you learn something every day. ³

3. I must have been rereading No Gods, No Masters when I wrote this. Jeez, Wolter, way to bring politics into a blog about Ghostbusters...

4. This is the truest sentence I have ever typed. No foolin.'⁵

5. I bet people who read all the way through without checking footnotes thought I screwed up the numbering.

6. The fifteenth greatest movie of all time, for those counting.